Month: June 2010

Take it from Snee: I am the next Larry King

The question on everyone’s minds at this very moment–and don’t deny it–is, “Who should replace Larry King?” Rumored candidates include Piers Morgan, Katie Couric, Ryan Seacrest, Joy Behar and Anderson Cooper.

Really, rumor-mill? You can’t think of people who aren’t already helming their own shows and whatever a Piers Morgan is? (Is it a porn star? Does it f@#k bear markets?) You can’t think of someone who has been denied the chance to embetter America via the airwaves? Someone who promises more tears than Glenn Beck hosting an onion chopping festival with special guest rapper Nut-kickah?

It’s me. Give me the show.

Well…? Fine, here’s my resume, rant-style. Continue reading Take it from Snee: I am the next Larry King

Just add Petraeus

The U.S. Senate voted unanimously to put Gen. David Petraeus in charge of the “war” in Afghanistan. Petraeus will take over duties performed by his former underling, General Stanley McChyrstal.

This is the second time that the United States Congress has appointed Petraeus to fix a war it neglected to declare, the first being the “war” in Iraq.

Gazing into our SeriouslyCrystal ball, we see the future …. It is 2012 …. War in Afghanistan … still ongoing; however … Petraeus reassigned to … the War on Drugs!

You heard it here first, folks: come 2012, there will be a new sheriff in Drugtown. (Not sure if Iraq or Afghanistan will be wrapped up by that point.)

I’ve gotta have my wax

About 28 million boxes of Apple Jacks, Corn Pops, Froot Loops and Honey Smacks cereals have been recalled because of a “waxy” smell from the packages. Someone followed their nose.

Around 20 people complained to the company about the smell and five reported “nausea and vomiting,” which sounds so tasty that it makes me want to just run to the grocery store and buy some cereal. The company said the risk of serious health issues is low. The recall involves products that have paper-backed foil package liners. Those with plastic liners are not affected.

Hold on-some cereal liners come in foil? That’s news to me.

The meat lover’s vodka

Do you like smoked salmon? Of course. How about vodka? Who doesn’t? After years of questioning why no one had combined the two, the Alaska Distillery has solved the problem.

Yes, they have created smoked salmon vodka, and it’s part of a growing trend of meat-flavored vodka. Of course, it goes best in a bloody mary, but people are finding new ways to mix the spirit into other concoctions.

Finally, we can order a smoked salmontini!

[via Consumerist]

Eat My Sports: Upon further review

If any of you have been paying attention to trends in sports this summer, you’d notice a) a bunch of fair weather soccer fans, and b) there is a dire need for instant replay in every sport.

But Bryan, what about the human element? Look, if you want that mamby-pamby human element side of things, get a shrink. As for me, I want my calls right, and if these idiot officials can’t get a call right, with our technology, we owe it to everyone to make sure these calls are right. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Upon further review

Today’s attire: ‘protest casual’

Demonstrating precisely why they get paid half as much as their defense and intelligence counterparts, Israeli foreign ministry workers are protesting their low wages by dressing down in the work place.

Calling it “a strike,” the diplomatic employees have refused to wear a suit and tie to work. However, they still show up to work and perform work duties, only in jeans and flip-flops.*

The dispute has lasted six months now, but we only just noticed because Israel rarely engages in diplomacy nowadays.

*Fun Fact:
In some regions, flip-flops are called sandals, tongs, slippers or Buffett low-kickers.

Bored? Why wait?

“There was nothing else to do.”

That was the actual defense used by Paul Nigel Sneddon of New Zealand. Why exactly was it used as a defense? Because Sneddon plead guilty to drunk driving when officers arrived at the scene, which I’ll now paint for you: Sneddon in his Ford Laser, flipped over, casually drinking another beer.

Talk about a man who utilizes what he has on hand. If he was on the set of The Towering Inferno, he might use the residual flames to light his cigarette. If he was in the Superdome in August of 2005, he might decide to go for a swim. And if he were trapped in an avalanche, Sneddon might very well decide to go for a sno-cone.