Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I don’t like to brag too much about my military record. For one thing, it’s not very conducive to my online comedy career. I want you to laugh with me, not laugh because–if there’s a way for a former Space Green Beret to reach through your monitor–I’ll thumb-gouge your eyes out.

But, with the recent attacks on Connecticut Democrat senatorial candidate Richard Blumenthal and U.S. Representative Mark Kirk (R.-Ill.) that call their military careers into question, I feel it is time to stand up with these brave men.

By “stand up,” I mean to tell my own story, which is so incredible that it can only prove their claims are no less preposterous. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Crackshot Commando

I am a cursed man

It’s true. I must be. After all, how do I keep finding stories like the one I gave you yesterday and now what I give you today?

McBournie, don’t answer that question.

Note: carrying a gun around with you, in your pants, isn’t the best of ideas-especially if you’re going to Lowes. What are you gonna do, shoot the amount of lumber you actually want?

Living la vida Lohan

You can take the vodka out of the Red Bull, but you can’t take the urge to drink mocktails out of Lindsay Lohan. The former singer/actress-turned-pseudo-lesbian-skank has turned to a diet of chain smoking and Red Bulls after a court ordered alcohol monitoring system is keeping Lohan from ingesting anything that’s got booze in it. Though it is painfully obvious that the switch to red Bull is just to get a milder form of crack.

Making your cat a better lover

There are two kinds of medical research: the kind that develops cures for diseases for the betterment of humanity, and then there’s the boner meds that pay for the loftier former.

Since this is a SeriouslyGuys post, we’re addressing your Johnson & Johnson.

Researchers have discovered a spray that could prevent premature ejaculation. That’s their phrasing. Really, it’s delaying normal ejaculation, because it’s not like the premature ejaculate goes away.

The spray incorporates lidocaine and prilocaine, so when applied to the penis it should not only reduce sensitivity for longer lovemaking, but also judo board-breaking and snake wrestling. If, however, it is applied to the eyes, then ejaculation is postponed indefinitely.

Dr Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California said he got the idea from training cats.

Art school financial aid of the dead

Jonathan Holstetler died last summer. The only thing is, he didn’t stay dead. The federal government knows what’s up: he died last August, but continues to try leeching off the system like so many undead do. Folks in Tennessee, sorry, the plague has hit your state.

Holstetler found out the government was on to his brain-eating scheme when he tried to apply for finacial aid for college. It is the policy of these United States of America to not give handouts to zombies, but this one refuses to give up. He’s taking his gripe to the local media, who are known to be anti-America and pro-undead.