Day: June 9, 2010

Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

As I and other celebrities get older, it becomes harder to differentiate between the roles we’ve played and the regular a$$holes we used to be. (I still put my pants on one leg at a time, but each foot is bathed in frankincense before inserted into the crotch part.)

The Gulf oil leak has dominated the news, and there’s only so much left for any of us can write about plans to put BP’s greasy turd back in its oceanic butthole. I’m plum out of ideas because, as much as I’d love to come up with a solution, the only way to prevent my leaky poop metaphor is to not play with buttplugs and Ex-Lax in the first place.

But, little would I believe that Kevin Costner may be the cure. For oil. Not diarrhea. We’re back to literalism here.

Yes, the man whose only seeming qualification is a willingness to spend millions of other people’s money on Waterworld may very well save the Redneck Riviera.

To put this in perspective, if this works, Tutanka’s next trick may be to save the U.S. Postal Service, hopefully without hordes of anarchist rapists.

Or, to take this further, let’s revisit the last time I had trouble straddling the ever-diminishing line between celebrity and reality.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

Age-old foes: safety vs. jobs

Republican Senators want to know: what will it take to get Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar and President Barack Obama to reopen all U.S. offshore oil drilling sites. They are concerned about a 6-month moratorium on drilling that could mean lost oil jobs.

And they’re right: even though all offshore drilling safety has been overseen by the Mineral Management Service, an organization that is still under investigation for over 10 years of graft, we need to speed up safety inspections and put workers back on derricks.

Besides, this is about jobs. Every time there’s an accident, another oil job opens up!

Chicago buzz kill

There’s a reason we’re glad the Bears started Rex Grossman in the Super Bowl four years ago. The Chicago Bears, who are most famous for “The Super Bowl Shuffle” and a short-lived SNL skit, have now offered roughly 100 booze-free tailgating spots at Soldier Field for this upcoming season.

This raises the age old question: but if the children aren’t exposed to booze, how will they find out how delicious it is?

It’s a breakout!

A group of adolescents interred at an internet addiction boot camp rose up against their oppressors last week, restraining their supervisor and fleeing the facility to taste sweet, sweet freedom. At least until their parents sent them back. Bummer.

China admits it has an internet addiction problem, which is the first step towards recovery. The popular second step right now is sending teens and adults addicted to the internet and online gaming to boot camps, where instructors use military techniques to try and instill a sense of discipline in folks who’d rather just play World of Warcraft.

A group of 14 addicts aged 15 to 22 interred at the Huai’an Internet Addiction Treatment Centre in China’s Jiangsu province decided they’d had enough last week, tying their supervisor to his bed and fleeing the grounds. Their freedom was short-lived, however. All 14 were caught by police after failing to pay the fare for a taxi they used in their daring escape. Thirteen of those have already been returned to the center by their parents. Someone sound The Price Is Right’s fail horn for me, would you please?

We’ll be seeing more of these in the next month

Do you have World Cup fever yet, America? If you don’t, here’s how we suggest you catch it: pass out drunk in a strange city on a cold night.

That’s exactly what an Australian backpacker did in Johannesburg, South Africa, better known as the city in District 9. The man was woken up by a local politician–because he was passed out in his driveway. The “football” fanatic thought he was in Cape Town, which is about 900 miles from Jo-burg.

Looks like he’s got some more backpacking to do.