Eat My Sports: The running diary that should never have been

Welcome to my latest attempt to hack Bill Simmons’ career.

We’re coming to you live from the Eat My Mansion for the second half of tonight’s Game 6 of the NBA Finals, we would’ve included the first half had government officials not limited us due to costs incurred to clean up after BP.

Tonight we are joined by McBournie (via text), my two cats Despereaux and Bella, and a beverage that I have not yet named involving equal parts of tequila, orange juice and Sprite. Magic Johnson’s halftime gloat fest is over, we now re-join the game.

10:31 pm
As we get ready for the second half, Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy go toe for toe with useless knowledge and jargon with hopes of campaigning for some NBA GM to give them a head coaching position. In total douche factor, I give Jackson the edge.

10:33 pm
McBournie: Anthony Kiedis looks like he’d be more comfortable at a pig roast.
Me: I think Doc Rivers could score the lead in a Ninja Turtles live-action movie.

Honestly, think about it. If you had to cast that movie perfectly, here are your leads:
Leonardo: Doc Rivers
Donatello: Turtle
Raphael: Kobe Bryant
Michaelangelo: Mr. Magoo
Splinter- Susan Sarandon Continue reading Eat My Sports: The running diary that should never have been

This is the best headline that you will ever hear

Not yesterday. Not today. Not this week.

EVER.

It’s bad enough being part of a shotgun wedding. It’s even worse when the person you’re to marry isn’t so much a person, but an animal. BUT.

But when you pass out before you can, so to speak, complete the wedding duties, and in front of a ton of onlookers? Well, we can understand the end results of the ceremony.

HOLY S#@T!

Post updated at 5:00 pm EST on June 15, 2010.

The Guys don’t pretend to understand God’s thinking, but it’s possible to extrapolate from this story that he doesn’t much care for the evangelical Solid Rock Church in Monroe, OH and what was their big honking statue of Jesus.

What we mean is that there are parables, and then there are direct f&%king messages in lightning and red font.

Now, if only he could smote Thomas Kinkade stores without burning down the entire mall ….

UPDATE (6/15/2010) Continue reading HOLY S#@T!

Pretty soon the wildebeests will join in

If you watched the U.S.-England game on Saturday, you already heard about this, but you’re American, so you probably didn’t see it. The world is against us at the World Cup, but the animals are, too.

The American team was held up from a training session before Saturday’s game because of an elephant. The team had to wait about five minutes while the elephant pretended the bus wasn’t there, and ate something off a nearby tree.

And get this: it’s the second time it’s happened to the U.S. team since they got to South Africa. Well, we know who the animals aren’t routing for.