Day: June 18, 2010

You Missed It: You don’t score until you score edition

Let’s face it: this was a slow week. The weather was nice, people are going away on vacation, two or three people are glued to the World Cup. It’s a good time to be alive–unless you have to work in your office, away from the sun and the promised adventures of the summer. No, I’m not bitter at all. If you were busy posting fake pictures of Miley Cyrus, odds are you missed it.

American DUI
Ever wonder what happened to Chris Klein? Me neither, but we found out anyway. You remember him from American Pie and American Pie 2 as the annoyingly over-sensitive dude dating Mina Suvari. He went AWOL for the third installment, and now police say he went DUI. This week, Klein was arrested at 3 a.m. in California after he blew a .20 when he was pulled over. His dog was in the car with him. Was the dog refusing to let him drink any more until he went for a ride or something?

He funded his campaign with welfare checks–there’s no punchline
South Carolina politics are back in the news, and not because of the Confederate flag or hiking the Appalachian Trail. Democrats are regretting voting for the the first name they saw in the primary for a U.S. Senate seat. Alvin Greene, an unknown veteran with no job, won the nomination last week, and this week is raising eyebrows. Other Democrats are crying foul over the results, claiming the people really want them to get creamed by Sen. Jim DeMint this fall.

And another one from the Carolinas
Some guy in Cleveland County, North Carolina called 911, claiming to have seen Bigfoot (and sounding like he’d see the the bottom of a few bottles, too). So naturally, everyone in the area, including a guy whose first name is Pork, are claiming to have seen the creature, or found mysterious footprints. In other news, my gorilla costume is back from the dry cleaners’.

It’s so good, it’s bad

Parents, science is telling you some very important news right: stop allowing your children to have best friends.

At least, that’s what counseling science is saying. According to them, community friendships are the way to go-that way, there’s less chance of feeling let down and having scheduling conflicts.

Of course, that does jack all for children that might be considered outcasts or isolated, but they’re probably the ones that would do a violent school rampage, right? Right.

Also bad for kids: birthday cake, violent toys, daydreaming and not being as smart as adults. Oh, and drenching me with a super soaker after I’ve politely and calmly asked you not to. But I digress.

Put down those wings, pay attention

The Guys know you come to this site looking for our particular brand of comedy, but you know what’s not funny? Eating disorders.

Doctors are growing more concerned about Web sites that encourage anorexia and bulimia, and some of them are actually getting pulled off the Internet.

To make sure we stay online keep you healthy and reading, we will no longer joke about starving and/or vomiting. And, just so you know we’re being serious instead of sarcastic, we’re adding special punctuation to any statement that addresses these serious medical issues.

For instance:

You should eat at least three meals a day, with a proportional amount of each food group ; )

Puking after a big meal does not rock ; )

Food allergies are never an excuse, so eat the goddamn peanut butter ; )

So, just look for that punctuation to know that we care about you and want you to be as healthy as can be ; )

Fastest bulldozer around

Did you know that they have members of Hell’s Angels in Germany? It’s true. The only difference is that over there, they apparently don’t go that fast.

A 26-year-old student made a “rude gesture” at a group of the motorcycle gang, then threw a puppy at them. This apparently befuddled the bikers, because the student was then able to hop on a bulldozer and make his escape. He then dumped the bulldozer and ran into his house.

The bikers apparently did not get him, but the cops did.