Take it from Snee: I don’t want to know

Posted on June 23, 2010
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 2 Comments |

San Francisco, the gay gene in the DNA of America, now requires cell phone sellers to post radiation levels on the phones on display.

On the one hand, I’m confused. Didn’t they already do that with the whole “3G” and “4G” bit, a “G” meaning “gigawatt” in Doc Brownian physics?

But, I’m also angry.

Well, I’m always a little angry. But this time, I know why I’m angry instead of waking up behind the Claire’s dumpster with blood on my hands again.

I’m angry because I don’t want to know how much radiation I’m receiving from my phone. In fact, there are a lot of things I don’t want to know. What I don’t want to know could fill a volume of books that I will never read.

Cell Phone Radiation

San Francisco’s city council believes that they are doing me a favor as a consumer by telling me how much radiation each cell phone emits. Here’s what they don’t realize: what if it’s the iPhone, huh?

[AND WHERE WOULD YOUR STEVE JOBS BE? -- Bryan McBournie]

You think I’m going to abandon my iPhone because of cancer? You’re reading the words of a man who still smokes and autoerotic asphyxiates despite the lesson that David Carradine died to deliver. I’ve got an Apple fandom to maintain. (Well, except at home, but only because Starbucks can’t see my desktop.)

Worse yet, do you know what I do with that phone? Let’s just say I’m not exactly worried about brain tumors. A sexually progressive city like San Fran should think twice before ruining the good times I have on paid bathroom breaks.

Processed Meat

Jamie Oliver is winning prizes for stating the obvious: chicken fingers are not made from the recognizable parts of chicken. If they were, they’d be called chicken legs or breasts, not an anatomical part that chickens do not f@#king possess.

Same with hot dogs: while there may not be any more dog in there than any other animal, they named it that because it’s the parts of animals that don’t get served medium rare.

So what happens if we stop eating hot dogs, chicken fingers, scrapple and Spam? We waste food.

We’re killing those animals for wings, ribeyes and bacon. You know what’s still left after those? The rest of the goddamn animal. We praise the Native Americans for using every part of the buffalo, but ground dick is suddenly more disgusting than turning a bladder into a canteen?

The Freemasons

Man, you remember when the Freemasons were cool? Back when they were secretly running the entire western world, and that to even talk about their meetings would result in an old school tongue-removal?

Yeah, about that …

Turns out that it’s a group that some influential people happen to be a part of, while everyone else just wears aprons and don’t talk about their traditions unless it’ll get them on TV.

Basically, it’s Scientology: a couple of Hollywood winners, and a whooooooooole lot of losers.

Dinosaurs

When was the last time we learned something cool about dinosaurs? Jurassic Park, when we learned that Velociraptors were real?

Every discovery about dinosaurs since has turned them from awesome killing machines into giant f@#king birds. Adding feathers to your models ruins my Play-dough recreations.

You know who needs to know if dinosaurs were good parents? Nobody. There’s no point in shaming bad parents and turning Stegosaurus into June Cleaver. And, I don’t care if the Apatosaurus was made up; it’s still a better name than Brontosaurus.

And–for the love of god–stop correcting the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s posture! Why not just invent a time machine so you can spit into your Paleontology neckerchief (we all know you wear them) and wipe his face off?

So, I am officially burying my head in the sand. Don’t try to tell me how covering my head in sand won’t block soundwaves and will probably give me an ear infection. I’ll ignore you until it works.

Written by Rick Snee

Comments

2 Responses to “Take it from Snee: I don’t want to know”

Tweets that mention Take it from Snee: I don’t want to know | SeriouslyGuys -- Topsy.com on June 23rd, 2010 8:31 pm

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rick Snee, SeriouslyGuys.com. SeriouslyGuys.com said: Take it from Snee: I don’t want to know: San Francisco, the gay gene in the DNA of America, now requires cell phon… http://bit.ly/aZLQUD [...]
groonk on June 24th, 2010 3:42 pm

Ankylosaurs will be writing you an angry letter.