Take it from Snee: Updating Sex Ed
Posted on July 7, 2010
Filed Under Sex Sells, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
It’s been at least eight years since schools taught comprehensive sex education.
Eight years. A lot changes in eight years, especially when it comes to sex. Sure, the basic act of f@#king-to-miss (that’s what I call sex without the purpose of insemination) hasn’t changed much.
But, let’s not forget: those are eight Internet years.
You think our schools are ready to answer questions about Dutch rudders or Brazilian fart porn? If you think the Texas School Board included notes on responsible cougar hunting in their biology books, and–even if they did–the description doesn’t involve a game warden, then you didn’t have to hand edit social studies books to reunite Germany and change the USSR back to “plain ass Russia” like when I was a kid.
Just to get the ball rolling, here’s a sample entry for school boards and text book writers (two of my biggest demographics) to follow. You’ll know it’s good because I moonlight as a technical writer when I’m not busy writing dick jokes or playing online doctor.
Safe Cleveland Steamer
As discussed earlier, two consenting adults may wish to participate in various methods of “outercourse,” which in sex that does not include penetration of the mouth, vagina, anus, urethra, eye socket, nostrils, ear canals or makeshift ones fashioned with surgery.While many of these methods are effective for avoiding conception and many diseases, there are still forms that do not penetrate the body but can still make you sick or permanently damage your soul. One of these is the Cleveland Steamer, which can expose the outer skin to the feces of your partner.
Until you and your partner have been tested for digestive diseases like ringworm or dysentery, it is advised to use the Safe Steamer method. Deposit your feces into an unused sealable plastic bag and present this to your partner.
Some people may complain that the plastic bag lessens the sensation of smearing your chest with fecal matter, but the warmth and relative texture should still be apparent through the plastic. Also, never reuse a baggie, not even by turning it inside out after initial use.
Some partners may pressure you to engage in steamer activity without a steamer bag, saying that you would do so “if you loved them.” Anyone who would force you into receiving unwanted droppings on your chest does not love you and should be considered someone unworthy of consensual pooh play.
The safest way to avoid getting poop on your upper torso, head or even your hair, of course, is to abstain from Cleveland Steamers entirely or until marriage.
See? Classy and educational.
Other topics can include:
- Rusty Trombones: How Rusty is too Rusty?
- Necrophilia: What Killed Them Could Kill You, or Why to Always Wait for the Autopsy
- The Lonely Trail: Finding Your Inner Furry Spirit Animal
- “Somebody Told Me that You Have a Boyfriend that Looks Like a Girlfriend that I Had in February of Last Year,” or Dating and Modern Courtship Rituals
- How to Clean Your Browser History
So, if you’re interested in hiring me to update your seriously dated notions of sex, address any inquiries below or by email.
References are not available upon request because all those women are unconscionable liars. (And you should have heard the things they wanted me to do!)
Written by Rick Snee
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- Return to sender
- We’ve all been there, am I right, fellas?
- Take it from Snee: ‘Taught’ not same as ‘learned’
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