Day: July 9, 2010

You Missed It: This post is over edition

Bryan McBournie is gone for the day. I won’t tell you where he is, but I’ll just say that what he’s doing rhymes with “pot neing a bedophile.” As such, your favorite (emphasis mine) fill-in writer, me, will have to satisfy your SeriousDesire. Look into my eyes. You know you want it. Just think of it as Christmas in July, even the Jewish people. If you were too busy popping any recalled pills so that you could get extra strength awesome (and by awesome, I mean ouch), odds are you missed it.

When Internet Doves Cry

The musician known as Prince that was then formerly known as Prince and now is known once again as Prince has declared that the internet is over, which has put our website into a little bit of a worry, seeing as how we’re web-based and all. The artist from Minnesota stated that the internet has become like MTV, outdated and that digital devices just fill your head with numbers. Of course, we’re thinking that he’s simply a little perturbed since there’s no key on a QWERTY keyboard for the “symbol.”

There’s a New King In Town

Heralded NBA player Lebron James, after months of deliberation and much press, has finally made his decision about where he will play next year. The hallowed “King” James has decided that the city where he will play in for the 2010-2011 season is Miami, as a member of the Miami Heat, alongside other superstar free agents Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. He leaves the Cleveland Cavaliers after 7 seasons as a Cav.

This Just In

The city of Cleveland is no more and has become a victim of a self-inflicted scorched Earth policy.

New Cheese Flavored Alzheimer’s Cure

A study at a university involving old rats has shown that they’re starting to retain their memories after losing them. This is great news, as even the derivative of the compound given to the rats appears to be even better at protecting memory neurons. Another great benefit: now we can remember just how many rats we killed, along with how many more we need to.

God hates mylar bags

You know what’s sad? When Fred Phelps and the Westboro “Totally Not Gay” Baptists make it to Comic-Con before we do.

Phelps plans to picket the world-famous comic book convention because he believes nerds worship comic characters instead of Phelps Jesus. He hopes to encourage attendees to put down the action figures and pick up a Bible, warning them that

“The destruction of this nation is imminent – so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.”‘

Well, Fred, we’ve tried that. And as much as we’ve prayed for Jesus to slap the blasphemy out of you, it’s more likely that someone dressed as Aquaman will finally do it.

So, thanks for converting us over to the church of a comics character based on Greek (read: butt-loving) paganism.

(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)

Darwin Award round-up

The Darwin Awards are a great and noble honor that are bequeathed unto only the most special of people in our society. And by special, I don’t mean “that kid is awesome,” I mean “that guy that used a traffic cone for a beer bong and the guys holding the bong are so stupid.” As such, sometimes it’s important to point out the people in life that should probably be nominated. Let’s take a long at some, shall we?

-A sixteen year old has decided that the best thing to do to herself, at an age where body and aesthetics are everything, is to give herself a pair of fangs akin to those found on some of the people in Twilight.

–A Texas man nearly died choking on a plastic salad fork. As such, he’s stated that he will never eat healthy food again.

-A collection of teenagers in California have become severely ill after ingesting a wild plant in the hopes of getting high off of it. Who would’ve thought that a random wild plant could possibly be fatal to a human being?