Day: July 14, 2010

Take it from Snee: Gay for Jesus?

As Fox News has taught me, you can’t just look to experienced journalists and certified experts for the news. Sometimes, the news is also whatever the majority of people think it is.

For instance: no news body has reported that the President is going to overstep the Congress and take our guns away. (My gun is my penis because I don’t fight crime with metaphors.) But, if you ask enough people, then you’ll realize

  1. Yes he is.
  2. The lamestream media is covering it up. Because they’re lame, and that’s what handicapped people do.

So, I’ve learned to trust my neighbors’ bumper stickers. And for good reason (i.e., my penis gun).

It is because of this vigilance that I’ve discovered a new problem: loving Jesus. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Gay for Jesus?

We don’t want what New Zealand’s got

This just in: 95 percent of you are disgusting, and a full quarter of you are walking public health saboteurs.

Well, we can’t say that’s true for the entire population. The research was conducted exclusively in New Zealand, so really it’s the Kiwis that are trying to infect us all.

Warrior of the Week: The Crocodile Rider

Animals are our enemies. There is no greater tenet in life to follow.

And you know what? Sometimes animals need to know their place and have that reiterated.

That’s why we’re saluting an unknown but courageous Australian man. Thanks to the amazing power that is alcohol, a man climbed a fence and managed to ride a crocodile, all while being bitten by the beast.

The crocodile, called Fatso, bit the 36-year-old man’s leg, tearing chunks of flesh from him as he straddled the reptile.

Did you read that? Anything named Fatso isn’t exactly cute and cuddly. Also, “chunks of flesh” were removed from the man. that’s serious stuff, yet he continued to humiliate the animal. Even better, he still managed to make his way to the pub to have a drink. That’s bad-ass.

Humiliation: clearly the greatest weapon that we possess next to bullets.

Goose executions rampant in NYC

Remember the “Miracle on the Hudson,” when geese tried to take down a plane on takeoff, only to be thwarted by a perfect water landing? New York swore it would never be vulnerable to such an attack ever again. It seems they are making good on their promise.

The city has killed about 400 geese in Brooklyn to make sure fliers are safe again. They rounded up the birds into cages, then led them off to a gas chamber. Really. For all their liberal, no-sodium notions, at least the city understands the threat we face.

[via Consumerist]