Day: July 22, 2010

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Beer Wars’

A war is brewing.

It’s not the type of war that you see in the Transformers movies, where you have two sides fighting a civil war, though differing philosophies are part of the reasons behind the battle.

It’s not a war between two equally matched sides. No, this is definitely more of a David versus Goliath type of battle.

To tell the truth, this war isn’t even one with blood. That is, unless you subscribe to the “money is everything” theory seen most prominently during the eighties. In that case, something’s being bled dry.

What we have right here are Beer Wars. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Beer Wars’

What’s next? No cigarettes?

Look, before we overreact here, let’s get this out of the way: kids probably shouldn’t drink or do drugs. It makes them uncoordinated and dangerous while manning lawn equipment and heavy machinery.

However, is it child abuse?

Some killjoys–like Dr. Shan Yin, of the University of Colorado and the Rocky Mountain Poison and Drug Center at Denver Health–seem to think that giving your children booze, adult medications and real drugs is abuse.

But, what about kids who want to drink or abuse narcotics? It’s not like they can buy this stuff on their own. You have to be 18 just to buy compressed air and Sudafed these days.

Our Solution:
Before you hand your kid (or anyone else’s for that matter) a shot or Xanax, ask them if they really want to feel more mature than their peers and relaxed like mommy.

Theft is the best aphrodisiac of them all

Girls are tricky. They’re fickle and you can’t really tell what’s on their mind. Also, they sometimes want stuff, which is difficult when you’re broke. So what can you do instead? Write her a poem. Sing her something. 17 year-old Anthony Etienne took the easy route, and stole some poor kid’s DS.

It’s alleged the boy, from West Brighton in New York, figured stealing a DS from a little girl then selling it would get him the cash needed to score some brownie points with the ladies. He’s instead now facing felony charges. Whoops. Funny how that works out. His explanation:

I did not have no money to impress her, so if I thought that if I take this lil girl’s DS, I can make some money. I tapped her shoulder. I said, ‘Give it.’ She said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘It mine,’ (sic) and forst (sic) it from her. I felt bad as she chased me but it was done. I said to myself, ‘Never agen (sic).’

On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t write her a poem. She may never understand it.

The war is all around you

Still think we’re making up this whole “War on Animals” thing? Maybe we’re just seeing things that aren’t there? Wrong! The animals are rising against us, and you could be next.

At a recent Florida Marlins game, one of the best sections of Sun Life Stadium was overrun with bees. A section along the third base line had to be blocked off because the bees were taking over and ruining the day.

The Russians are now aiding the animals by giving them military training. Lesson one: the air drop.

And of course, Time has a list of the top ten most militant animals. At least they see the truth!