Take it from Snee: Motherf@#king friendship

Posted on July 28, 2010
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 3 Comments |

As you can see in the top right corner of this page, we’re off next week to observe National Clown Week.

Per usual, I was going to the Ringling Museum, even though it isn’t really a circus museum. (They were the first place not call the cops.) And I was going to cosplay as Pagliacci to show all those Heath Ledger Joker impersonators a little class. I was even looking forward to dying my dickfro into a rainbow wig–you know, for the funny-chasers.

But, NO! I have to go to a wedding. Because I have friends.

I know that friends are supposed to be good for your health, but not everything about friendship is yoga and wife-swapping. And a lot of it goes unsaid because friends are supposed to just understand these things. So, here are some things I’ve noticed about friends.

“Friends with Benefits” is very misleading

“Benefits?” Yeah, I know that “benefits” is supposed to mean “sex,” but isn’t that a bit of a stretch?

It’s not like you get stock options in the lube you went dutch on. You’re probably not raising money for cancer research or farm aid. And if you contract an STI, they’re not likely to pay your medical bills.

No, the only benefit is sex, so either it shouldn’t be pluralized or you have to count awkwardness as a benefit, too. Which I don’t, because I got awkwardness for free from ages 12 to present.

You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s family

Friends are like Mogwai: if you’re not careful, they get pregnant. And while your friends may be delightful, what if their kid’s an a$$hole? I don’t mean bratty, but like, as babies go, their offspring is a total dick?

You’re stuck. Birthdays, baptisms, bar mitzvahs, graduations, their subsequent weddings and children. You’re locked in until your friends come to their senses and disown the bastard or put ‘em in a burlap sack and throw them into the river.

There’s no way to say, “Brad, I treasure your friendship–and remember that–but your kid sucks Ebola balls.” Much like Brad’s terrible emo poetry, you have to just put up with their s#%t because they made it.

Friends make you do stupid things

You know that voice in the back of your head, the one that clues you in when something’s a bad idea?

The problem with that voice is that it is easily drowned out by, “DO IT! YEAH!”

In fact, it may be evidence that not all evolution is beneficial because, if social groupings helped us survive, then how did we still invent the 4-man bobsled? This clearly throws out any notion of an intelligent designer if he or she is no match for grain alcohol.

So, I guess I’ll close this out with a toast to friendship: the one force on Earth that can overcome good sense, self-preservation and any possibility of a proactive deity.

Written by Rick Snee

Comments

3 Responses to “Take it from Snee: Motherf@#king friendship”

Tweets that mention Take it from Snee: Motherf@#king friendship | SeriouslyGuys -- Topsy.com on July 28th, 2010 11:34 pm

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rick Snee, SeriouslyGuys.com. SeriouslyGuys.com said: Take it from Snee: Motherf@#king friendship: As you can see in the top right corner of this page, we’re off next w… http://bit.ly/9ThTvR [...]
Nyssa23 on July 29th, 2010 1:38 am

Can I just say that the Pagliacci cosplay idea is AWESOME?
Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism | SeriouslyGuys on August 11th, 2010 5:14 pm

[...] I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was also off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not [...]