The King is dead

And he will continue to stay that way, even in the digital world. After more than a year spent dancing into our hearts and gardens, objections from the King of Pop’s estate have caused PopCap Games to replace the killer Michael Jackson lookalike in Plants Vs. Zombies.

The Dancing Zombie in Plants Vs. Zombies will be removed from the game, though not from our hearts, as plans are currently underway to replace him in all versions of the game with a disco-themed imposter.

“The Estate of Michael Jackson objected to our use of the ‘dancing zombie’ in PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES based on its view that the zombie too closely resembled Michael Jackson. After receiving this objection, PopCap made a business decision to retire the original ‘dancing zombie’ and replace it with a different ‘dancing zombie’ character for future builds of PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES on all platforms. The phase-out and replacement process is underway.”

The change has already been implemented in the iPhone version of the game with the latest update, with plans to phase out the dead pop singer across all platforms. Hoo-hoo!

Machines that do the work for us

You know what are great? Dams. Not just because they make cool waterfall things and keep the river downstream from ever flooding over, but they also can be harmful to wildlife.

According to a report by the World Wrestling Federation World Wildlife Fund, any of the 11 proposed hydropower dams on the Mekong River in Southeast Asia could end the Mekong giant catfish’s tenure here on Earth. The fish can grow up to 10 feet long and weigh up to 770 lbs. (!) and would be too large to swim across any of the dams, blocking these car-sized monsters from reaching their spawning grounds.

Not only does hydropower do all this, it’s also a clean form of energy. Where exactly is the down side?

Eat My Sports: The no T.O. show

If you are one of the fortunate people to never have seen Terrell Owens on your favorite team’s NFL roster, you are of a lucky breed. Owens’ career path has taken him from San Francisco, Philadelphia, Dallas, Buffalo and VH1, but never to a Super Bowl title or any amount of respectability. In short, Owens’ diva act has led almost all NFL teams to not even consider taking on him and his baggage at this point. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The no T.O. show

Hide your porn stars and waitresses!

This is a breaking emergency bulletin for all of our readers in South Africa!

*** Tiger on the loose in South African neighborhood! ***

Residents of the Delmas district of South Africa, 40 miles east of Johannesburg, have spotted a Tiger on the loose.

Although Tiger has been raised by humans his entire life and is considered tame, he should not be approached. Blondes–especially those with fake breasts–should be kept indoors and away from windows until Tiger is safely back in his truck.

Do not attempt to offer Tiger any corporate sponsorships as you’ll end up spending more on bizarre apology ads later.

SeriouslyGuys will update with further bulletins until we can confirm that this potential PR crisis is over.

Japan-land of the rising temperature

You think it’s hot here in the good ol’ US of A, especially in the northeast? Then don’t move to Japan. It’s really hot there, among all its usually quirky weird people oddities.

Sunday, twenty-two people died and fourteen were injured in water and mountain related activities, as people were trying to beat the heat with some fun. Some of those deaths include people suffering from heat stroke. Man, the land of the rising sun really loves killing old people. Three people in Saitama, and one each in Chiba, Nara, Hyogo prefectures died of heat stroke, or what authorities believed to be so. Apparently, that’s what happens when the mercury rises above 35C (95F) in a vast area of the country (which is still slightly cooler than my neck of the woods)

Fourteen people died in water related accidents, and among those injured, six were in water related accidents, and eight were involved in mountain accidents, including one 39-year-old man who was mauled by a bear in Yamanashi prefecture.

My advice to you people of Japan is this: shun that evil master, the sun, and stay inside. Avoid personal contact among people outside of your residence. It may be the only way to survive.

They want our tax dollars–and our brains

Our federal government is grossly inefficient and wastes immeasurable amounts of money every year. Even so, it shocked this blog that our hard-earned tax dollars are going toward the undead.

That’s right, the feds are sending checks to zombies. Well, they were anyway. President Barack Obama signed a bill recently that will cut improper Medicare payments and health benefits. Billions in Medicare checks had been sent to zombies, for all we know, they were using it to drain our government’s resources for their upcoming assault on society.

And if you’re wondering, zombie bites are no longer covered under Medicare.

The McBournie Minute: Steal my attention

Colton Harris-Moore, the alleged Barefoot Bandit, captured America’s interest for more than a year. The idea of a teenager outsmarting the law, traveling across the country on a crime spree seemed to just click with people.

You have to admit it was pretty cool to hear about a kid stealing and crashing private planes, in some cases, leaving his mark on the runway. Of course, landing he wasn’t so good at, not that he had a pilot’s license or anything. The problem here is that he set a new standard for criminals.

Now, we’ve got people committing crimes trying to get famous with one-off gimmicks. I am here to say not that crime doesn’t pay, I’m sure it does on occasion, but crime for the sake of crime is downright annoying. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Steal my attention

Dumbasses don’t deny dumbass claim

We’re not saying the Birthers are dumbasses, but Colorado GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck did.

Buck expressed frustration with the “dumbass” Birthers that keep showing up to his rallies and making the news. He told a Democrat operative that he wishes they would just shut the f@#k up, asking him or her to “tell those dumbasses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on camera.”

Fortunately for Buck, the Birthers are a voting bloc that’s too stupid to be insulted.

9/12 Project Colorado Coalition leader, Lu Busse, only noticed that her candidate used some naughty language [emphasis ours]:

“‘He could have not called us a name,’ said Busse. ‘It would have been better to say, “Why do these people” and he shouldn’t have used a bad name, but I don’t see it as he meant anything personal to me or to the other people in the Tea Party movement.'”

What a dumbass.