Everyone knows that in order to pull off a successful bank robbery, you need the following: cold blood, a killer mentality and fake breasts.
Month: July 2010
He spits in the face of capitalism
The trade-up: everyone’s vaguely familiar with the concept. Here’s a quick explanation-I give you a hot dog. You give the hot dog to a homeless man for his pen. You give that pen to an accountant for a shoelace. You give that shoelace to a nuclear physicist for his clipboard. Eventually, after numerous trades, you end up as the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, or something along those lines. It’s a formula that’s been used many times in different mediums-kids’ stories, cartoons, I’ve even seen it used as a story on a cooking show. But rarely is it ever heard of in real life.
Stephen Ortiz, a teenager in California, was given a phone by a friend, free of charge. He took the gift to the cesspool of the internet Craigslist. The phone led to an iPod Touch, the media player created by the company that is the bane of Bryan McBournie led to a dirt bike, and the transportation of teenagers in 80’s movies led to another a Macbook Pro. Eventually, Ortiz landed himself a Porsche.
As someone who works in a auto related industry, 17 year old Stephen’s lifelong dream is a nightmare for his parents.
Bombing run
Now they’re after our entertainment.
In St. Louis, the Kings of Leon were trying to perform for all the nice people who paid to see them, but pigeons had other plans. The outdoor concert was cut short–way, way short–after only three songs, because pigeons kept pooping on them.
It got so bad that band members were being hit during every long they played. Apparently, the animals of hearing that “Use Somebodaaaaaaayah” song.
You Missed It: I am your father edition
Welcome to the end of yet another week. If you have not melted or died of dehydration, then you don’t live on the East Coast. July is always hot here, but this year is worse than most. So much so that I must shower when I get home from work. Did I dress myself again before writing this? That’s for you to ponder. If you were busy getting knocked around your plane by extreme turbulence, odds are you missed it.
The Dark Side compels you to give me all your money, no ink bags
A man dressed as Darth Vader robber a bank in New York this week. Boy, this Comic Con fever is getting into everyone these days! Wait, let’s try this one again. You say: Did you hear Darth Vader held up a bank? And I’ll answer back. Go! … Darth Vader held up a bank? Where did he use the force to put it back down?
Why does anyone live in coastal Louisiana anymore?
Tropical Storm Bonnie made landfall in southern Florida today, it’s predicted to move right on into the Gulf of Mexico, which, you know, hasn’t seen much press lately. By Saturday it could be right over the oil patch. As a precaution, work on capping the well has been stopped temporarily. Come on, Mother Nature, we’re trying to work with you, here.
Here comes more country on the Top 40 stations
Taylor Swift’s first single off her new album “Speak Now” will be released in mid-August. It will be her third album ever released. In other news, Taylor Swift is on her third album? When did the second one come out?
Take that, Jäger stag!
Whenever our War on Animals and Booze News coverage intersect, the results are usually tragic, though still hilarious.
Fortunately, this story has a happy ending.
And “happy ending” is a fitting description of The End of History, a limited edition beer from Scottish company BrewDog. The beer itself is 55-percent alcohol and each bottle is inside of a stuffed animal.
Not Winnie-the-Pooh-stuffed animals. Taxidermist-stuffed animals.
Unfortunately, if you hoped to snag one to toast the end of the War on Animals, you’ll have to pry it out of the cold dead hands of some beer snob collector. The £500 bottles sold out within hours.
I’ll have my steak medium road
Score another one for the good guys! We don’t care how we take them out, be it guns, missles or cars mowing down wandering cows, the animals are in for it now.
We can only guess his name is Richard
Warning: the story’s link may be Not Safe For Work. Click at your own risk.
What’s oblong, in different colors, found in car parks, and not really that impressive?
Answer: the latest “crime spree” in East Sussex. Need a hint on what the story’s about?
He added: ‘However, from what we’ve seen, if this is a self-portrait, the artist won’t be in a hurry to be identified.’
Maybe the air in East Sussex is just cold like the water?
Undying spirits and capitalism
Hard times in America mean for a call to arms for all entrepreneurs. In California, one homeless man answered that call.
A 29-year-old man saw that one of the bars he used to work at closed down. So he went across the street, bought some beer, then opened the doors and made some money. Apparently, the place was doing well until a local newspaper ran a story about the bar reopening and a police detective recognized the “owner’s” face.
[via Consumerist]
MasterChugs Theater: ‘Beer Wars’
A war is brewing.
It’s not the type of war that you see in the Transformers movies, where you have two sides fighting a civil war, though differing philosophies are part of the reasons behind the battle.
It’s not a war between two equally matched sides. No, this is definitely more of a David versus Goliath type of battle.
To tell the truth, this war isn’t even one with blood. That is, unless you subscribe to the “money is everything” theory seen most prominently during the eighties. In that case, something’s being bled dry.
What we have right here are Beer Wars. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Beer Wars’
What’s next? No cigarettes?
Look, before we overreact here, let’s get this out of the way: kids probably shouldn’t drink or do drugs. It makes them uncoordinated and dangerous while manning lawn equipment and heavy machinery.
However, is it child abuse?
Some killjoys–like Dr. Shan Yin, of the University of Colorado and the Rocky Mountain Poison and Drug Center at Denver Health–seem to think that giving your children booze, adult medications and real drugs is abuse.
But, what about kids who want to drink or abuse narcotics? It’s not like they can buy this stuff on their own. You have to be 18 just to buy compressed air and Sudafed these days.
Our Solution:
Before you hand your kid (or anyone else’s for that matter) a shot or Xanax, ask them if they really want to feel more mature than their peers and relaxed like mommy.