Fire in the hole!

There are many deathsports in the world: Russian Roulette, Duck-Duck-Shark, Taser Tag …. All mere child’s play!

The truly most dangerous sport–especially in dry grasslands–is golf.

One unidentified golfer in Irvine, California proved this deadly fact when his iron club grazed a rock, pitching a spark into the rough. The resulting fire spread quickly and was eventually put out by 150 firefighters.

A memorial will be unveiled for the two bushy hillsides that are no longer with us.

That’s President Oballa to you

Barack Obama seems to be someone we can clearly look up to (that’s a legitimate reality for me). After all, he’s president of the United States of America, which, mind you, is no small task. Leader of the most powerful country in the free world? Yeah, that’s got some prestige attached to it.

Attendant of Harvard Law School? Fairly select place to get in.

Winner of a Nobel Prize? Hey, they don’t necessarily just go about handing those out to everyone.

But now the man has been awarded potentially the greatest title he’s ever been given in his life. A Serbian festival that celebrates the potatoes of life has given Obama a “big balls award (link might be Not Safe For Work for you).”

President Obama was not present to accept the award, possibly off somewhere doing something extremely arrogant and manly, as his award denotes that he would do.

Health food

Yesterday we learned that because you drink, you will outlive your sober peers, even though we are not sure why. We aren’t talking moderate drinkers, we’re talking about the heavy lifters. So, logic dictates that the more you can drink, the better you are.

So, if alcohol is healthy, what could be healthier than fried beer? The world was just an OK place to live–until the recent invention of such an item. Now, you can have your beer deep fried inside a ravioli-type thing, slice it open, and drink up.

Who doesn’t love their beer piping hot?

The McBournie Minute: Let the fantasy begin

It’s the end of August, and you know what that means, no not back to school. Sure, it means that, but that’s not the angle I’m going for, here. It means it’s time for football! This is excellent news, because the Boston Red Sox are now pretty much out of the playoff race, and the Roger Clemens perjury case is not moving that swiftly.

I don’t care so much about college football, really, I don’t care all that much about the NFL, but fantasy football is more my game. Last year, I was in two leagues, and won one of them. Sadly, there was no money involved, so really, I just won for personal best. However, I am in a league with several of my friends, and let me tell you, the stakes are high. It’s another league without buy-ins.

We have our draft coming up, and while you may have already had your draft, it’s time for ours later this week. In case you haven’t had your draft yet, I will lend you my insight and hope that my opponents don’t read this. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Let the fantasy begin

To long life!

If you ever pulled a muscle from excessive birthday toasting, then it will come as no surprise to you that drinkers outlive non-drinkers.

Why? Nobody knows. The raw data just indicates that teetotalers tend to die sooner than heavy drinkers, while moderate drinkers will inherit the best seats in the bar when they’re both gone.

Our personal theory? Drunken stasis.

Just like in the movie Alien, drunkards enter a deliberate low-metabolic state–or black-out. When one emerges from the blackout, they find themselves several hours, days or even years into future, though the trip passed in an instant for them.

The world of the future is frightening, bright and loud. It may take several hours to recover from their time jump, know as a hangover. That time is best spent rehydrating with Gatorade and learning what history you missed while out.

The only danger is of staying in stasis too long and awaking in a world populated by damn dirty apes! And no more Jameson’s.

Has America lost its manliness?

The United States is typically known as a country that is not afraid to whip it out and compare with any other country, but its men might be less manly than they used to be. For example, a recent study found that one in four men–a quarter of the adult dude population–take a stuffed animal with them on a trip.

This basically means that if you head out on a business trip with four of your male coworkers, odds are that one of them will be sleeping with a teddy bear that night. This information is shocking, and it certainly does not help our standing with the rest of the world. The Russians, who have Vladimir Putin and his whale hunting to look up to as an example of machismo, may get this news and see it as a sign of weakness. Before long, they’ll be ready to start up the Cold War again.

Men: Leave the stuffed animals at home, unless you want the Russians to nuke us.

You Missed It: Taking back America edition

Well, the good news is that all the annoying kids who were crowding your favorite hangouts are back in school now. If nothing else, it’s quieter. The bad news is that summer is almost over. Well, technically it’s not over until mid-late September, but really, everyone counts it as at Labor Day weekend. So really, it’s the last normal weekend of summer, if that makes any sense. If you were busy getting trapped in mine this week, odds are you missed it.

The Million-Honky March
As with any other city, there are some downsides to living in the Washington, D.C. area–traffic, homeless people shouting random things at you, and Congress. Well, that last one is actually unique. Being near the seat of power for the whole country really becomes a pain in the ballot box when a protest comes to town. This weekend, Glenn Beck and the Beckites (who had a hit song in the late 80s, I believe) are rallying at the National Mall this weekend to protest that liberal schools are teaching children that we lost World War II, or something like that. Me, I’m going to head down there tomorrow and sell tin foil hats at $15 a pop. I will never have to work again.

Mistakes were made
It was five years ago that Hurricane Katrina hit the lost city of Atlantis, known today as New Orleans. Michael “Brownie” Brown, who was the director of FEMA at the time of the storm, decided to come out of whatever moldy trailer he had locked himself in, to say that perhaps he made a mistake in 2005. “In my defense, without me, Treme would never have happened,” Brown said.

Can’t get salmonella without breaking a few eggs
If you had an egg recently, you probably spent a fair amount of time on the can, or worrying that you would be very soon. The nation faces a series of salmonella outbreaks were linked to bad eggs. Naturally, Americans turned to lawmakers and asked, “But what about my Egg McMuffin?” Then again, if you get the runs from that, it’s nothing out of the ordinary.

‘Presume’ nothing with tigers

A woman was caught by Thai airport security with a sedated tiger cub in her carry-on bag. She attempted to smuggle the world’s orangest dangerous animal by filling the bag around it with stuffed toy tigers.

So, Time. If the tiger cub’s so “presumably adorable,” then how come it stuck out like a sore thumb against so many precious stuffed animals? Sounds like it was too ugly to pass the Hobbes Fantasy vs. Reality Tiger Test.

But that’s not the end of the story. The tiger’s destination? Iran.

Beware of Australo-fascists!

Something nefarious is happening in Australian schools.

Last week, Kalgoorlie-Boulder Community High School students were assigned a project–a terror project to be exact. The assignment was to plan a chemical and/or biological attack designed to inflict the most civilian deaths possible.

We took that news with a grain of salt because, if there’s one way to make sure teenagers don’t do something, it’s to assign it as schoolwork. (This is why we still haven’t read The Red Badge of Courage.)

But now–NOW–a Catholic school in Perth gave its top costume award to a nine- or ten-year-old boy dressed as Hitler!

We’re not saying it’s time to distrust all Australians in your midst as potential terror Nazis, just any that seem particularly interested in Hitler, terrorism, scapegoating and your television.