Day: August 11, 2010

Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it. Continue reading Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

Crime be the debbil’s work

The next time that you find yourself arrested for stealing goods of some sort, don’t try to play it off or, for that matter, even accept fault. Blame the devil. It’s clearly the smartest idea.

Jeanne Jones was caught shoplifting in a New Jersey Walmart. Her plan of action? Assault the loss-prevention officer and drive off. Of course, if you do so, you might want to make sure that you don’t leave anything incriminating behind-like your purse.

If do so, you might have to call the store back to see if they’ve found it. Unfortunately, you know who also uses the phone? The police. It’s cool; when they ask why you shoplifted and assault somebody, just say that you were possessed by the devil during that instance. Remember, the best responsibility to take hold of is no responsibility.

Newest Internet meme: Job quitting

Jobs: you only want one when you don’t have them. There are good jobs and bad jobs, but everyone at some point in their career has had a job they fantasized quitting in some spectacular fashion. This seems to be a good week to do so.

A flight attendant for JetBlue caused a stir this week, when he allegedly cursed out passengers on a parked plane at JFK International Airport, grabbed a couple beers from the beverage cart, and exited the craft via the inflatable slide you’ve always wanted to try out. Points for creativity, however, he has since been charged with crimes related to the alleged exit he made.

(This is purportedly real.) Also this week, a woman answered the question, “what’s worse than having a bad boss?” Turns out, it’s having a bad boss who has the hots for you (to be fair, she is pretty attractive) and is addicted to playing Farmville, better known as One of the Many Things Making Facebook Horrible. She took a series of pictures of her holding a whiteboard that said piece by piece what her boss had done wrong during her tenure, and letting him know that she was quitting. Man, those last two weeks are going to be awk-ward!

UPDATE: We totally called this one.

It is important to remember that even if you hate your job, you need to find a way to get hauled out by security once in your life you should avoid burning any bridges. You never know when networking could come in handy.

NY Gov has reservations about mosque

In an effort to compromise with Muslims looking to open a cultural center in New York City and white Americans who fear anything 9-11y sounding, New York Gov. David Paterson has offered up government land somewhere further away from Ground Zero.

The idea is to remove the offending sample of Muslim culture to some unused, unwanted piece of government property where they can remain out of sight and mind and, more importantly, out of the way of any future white development … like, say something other than a hole in the ground?

It’s a novel idea, and if history has proven anything, it’s that government relocation always works. Even if “works” means “keeping them away from where history books are written.”