Day: August 13, 2010

You Missed It: The Imus moment edition

Everyone keeps talking to me about how it’s Friday the 13th. That has never really bothered me, I have found that wearing my ancient hockey mask does wonders to keep bad things away from me. I think the people who get all freaked out about Friday the 13th are the same people who love observing that the date is 8/9/10, or something like that. In many other countries, they reverse the month and day when giving the date, so I’m sure these people exist elsewhere, obsession over other arbitrary holidays. If you were busy nearly joining American Idol as the new judge, odds are you missed it.

N trouble
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who is apparently still around and still doing her advice radio show, got herself into trouble this week when an African American listener called in and complained about her white husband and his friend making racially insensitive remarks in her presence. Schlessinger, during the discussion, complained about how the N-word (hint: not “nincompoop”) could be said by blacks but not whites. She went so far as to say the entire word several times and pointed out that it is said on HBO all the time. To be fair, the last time she watch HBO, Roots was on.

The crazy, or just crazy hot? AMIRIGHT?!
College is crazier than ever, according to the greatest f$#*ing study ever, brah. No, really, it’s crazy. According to the American Psychological Association, the number of college kids with mental illnesses is on the rise. Apparently the one time in your life when all your bills are paid, your meals are free and your friends within walking distance can be quite hard. This, if nothing else, can explain why so many college students abuse alcohol–it’s to numb the pain.

It’s re-education time
Most of our country’s best ideas come from Texas–it’s a fact. Look it up. (Then tell me where you found it.) Most recently, Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, uncovered the vast terrorist plot to send people to the U.S. so that they can have American citizen babies and raise them to strike against their home country someday. Federal officials are calling Gohmert’s assertions utter nonsense, but hey, if it happens in Salt, doesn’t that make it real?

The best things in life include countermeasures

It’s Friday, so we know what you little hornballs want: redheaded titis hamburgers. The greasier, the better, right?

But, what about cholesterol, frowny-face?

Never get between British scientists and their chips, because they have a solution. And by solution, they mean adding a side of statin drugs to every fast food value meal.

Statins lower the unhealthy amount of bad cholesterol–LDL–and could “offset the increased risk to the heart caused by the fat in a medium-sized cheeseburger and a small milkshake.”

We think this is a brilliant idea and would like to apply it to some other vices, like selling:

  • Breathmints with cigarettes.
  • Viagra with motorcycles.
  • Penicillin with your mom.

Old people are Japan’s missing resource

Japan is unable to determine the whereabouts of 105 centenarians living in Kobe, including their oldest woman at the age of 125. Whoopsidoodle. An additional 22 geezers over the age of 100 have not used medical and nursing care insurance intended for those over the age of 75.

If this wasn’t bad enough, these are just the findings of Kobe, located in Hyogo Prefecture. There are still 88 more coffin-dodgers in 20 prefectures who are unaccounted for. The municipal goverments have been aware of these missing centenarians after home visits in the past, but did not include their absence in reports to the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry.

Kobe officials plan to visit the residences of its 105 missing centenarians and the 22 who aren’t using their insurance to verify what the hell is going on with them. They note that Japan’s oldest woman has an address listed that has been a park since 1981, which implies that maybe they bulldozed over her house when they fixed up the area as a park.

Congratulations Japan. You’ve got some of the oldest senior citizens in the world, and now it’s like some alien conspiracy zapped them all away. I mean, the worst that we usually do is misplace our sandals. But human beings? Wowie zowie.

Next they’ll end ‘Peanuts’

Folks, it’s time to put down your newspapers. (For those of you reading this blog, a “newspaper” was something by which people once found out about the happenings in the world, only they could hold it. Think of it as Twitter, only you can’t put in your two cents, you can only get updates once a day and the information is credible.)

“Cathy” is ending. Yes, the comic strip us single, food-loving, straw-haired professional women have idolized for more than 30 years will be coming to an end. Cathy Guisewite, the creator of the comic strip, announced that she will be ending it in October because she has other priorities, namely, helping her daughter through her senior year of high school.

Wait, help with what? Obsessing over relationships? AACK!