Day: August 18, 2010

Take it from Snee: The motherf@#king First Amendment

The First Amendment is a funny thing. After the U.S. Constitution was ratified, it was the very first of ten proposed additions that would guarantee certain rights to citizens. The fact that a bunch of guys would propose free speech and religion before guns shows that either

a) We used to be more sophisticated than our modern breed that flocked to The Expendables this weekend, or

b) The Founding Fathers realized shooting people is worthless unless you have the right to say something really cool beforehand.

And, really, is there anything more American than unrestrained words and gun violence? You could tell they were really reaching for ideas afterwards because the next amendment they could think up was quartering, followed by some lawyer s&#t. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The motherf@#king First Amendment

Next fad: police vs. samurai

Some people don’t like cops, that is a given fact. Normal folks take their violent fantasies of debauchery and vile behavior to Grand Theft Auto style video games, however, one man decided to take his anger out another way. Recently, a young man attacked a police officer with a Japanese samurai sword in central Tokyo in broad daylight. He managed to slice off the left thumb of the officer before he was subdued by other officers. As of now, there is no motive of his actions, he either just wanted to try out his newly purchased sword or he was just a psycho. Whichever the case, he was arrested for attempted murder and possession of, well, you know … a samurai sword. Which is apparently a crime.

The attacker is in his mid-twenties and it seems he isn’t connected to any political organizations. What we do know is the sword had a blade about 70 centimeters long, which is more than enough length to bring ultimate doom to coppers.

Kids, avoid sharp objects, don’t use drugs, stay in school, eat your vegetables and only use the power of a samurai sword for good.

Freshmen don’t know everything already?

College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual Beloit College Mindset List. Every year, Beloit College composes a list of technology, fads and people that incoming freshmen never learn about because high schools spend an entire month on the Civil War* and a week on everything after World War II.

This year’s freshmen, the Class of 2014, for instance doesn’t use email because it’s too slow and generally requires something more substantial to write about than today’s lunch. They also don’t know:

  • Snoop Dogg’s middle name (Doggy).
  • How Clint Eastwood’s “tour de force” as an old, violent racist gun nut in Gran Turino was just a reprisal of Dirty Harry where he didn’t have to run so much.
  • That communism was once an entrenched and very real threat hiding behind a wall in Berlin, not just the side effect of Glenn Beck’s masturbation guilt today.
  • That Band-Aids were once only sold in a universal peach-colored shade that matched everyone’s skin. Now they have to prove that Band-Aids are for everyone–black, white or green–by selling black, white and green ones.

Good luck with this bunch, professors.

_______________________________

*A whole month, yet they never learn it was about slavery.

Fill up the tank getting tanked

Normally, cars and alcohol don’t mix, unless you’re talking about a minibar in the back of a limo, in which case, it’s awesome. But aside from that exception, they’re not a good combination. Until now.

In Scotland (of course), scientists have created a new type of fuel for cars, and it’s made from whisky. OK, well it’s not a car that runs on booze, there’s just no way that would be economic, and besides, it would be wasteful. They actually use the byproducts from distilling hootch. On top of that, it puts out more power than ethanol.

Look at it this way, the more you drink, the cleaner our air could be.