You Missed It: Under oath edition

And so ends another week. At this point, all the kids are heading back to school. There’s really nothing much to be excited about on that front, aside from the fact that everywhere you travel, there will not by high-pitched midgets around to bother you. That, my friends, is freedom. If you were bust thinking the president is a Muslim, odds are you missed it.

Rockets need juice
I will be honest with you here. You may not know this about me, but I am a fan of the Red Sox Base-Ball Team of Boston, Massachusetts, though this is not such a great year to be such. However, this week things got a little better, when retired pitcher Roger Clemens was indicted for perjury, relating to his statement under oath that he did not take steroids. Former teammate Andy Pettitte, Boston’s favorite Yankee, said The Rocket had in fact used performance-enhancing drugs. Rumor is Clemens’ doughnuts were filled with HGH instead of creme.

If I was president
Wyclef Jean, better know as the guy in the Fugees you can name who isn’t Lauren Hill, is Haitian. Perhaps you’ve heard. Jean is running for president of Haiti, because the earthquake has inspired him to hold a high office despite having no prior experience. Jean’s comment: “Hey, it worked for Elena Kagan!”

What word is offensive but not the N-word?
Just before the opening of her new movie “The Switch,” Jennifer Aniston finds herself in hot water for her word use. During an interview on “Live with Regis and Kelly,” Aniston said the word “retarded.” This means, of course, that there will be scored of people picketing her movie, telling people not to go in. Only this time, people may actually listen.

Fine, but is the cat dead?

Graeme Swann, who is a star “spinner” for what we’re told is a sport called “cricket,” was pulled over for drunk driving because his cat got stuck in the floorboards of his home.

Well, first he was pulled over for driving a Porsche in a s#@tty neighborhood. Then he apparently sounded drunk when trying to explain to the officer that his cat had crawled into his house’s floor.

A blood test confirmed that he was 3 mg over the legal limit, but milligrams are as foreign to us as a sport where players dress like picnickers in Mary Poppins. So, we have no idea if he was really smashed or just booze-ness casual.

The story also fails to mention if the cat is still stuck in the floorboards.

But if you don’t drink it, what’s the point?

We here at SG are fans of the drink, especially when it comes to steins and the beer that fills them. However, even we have to admit, we would intentionally lose a beer stein holding contest. The same cannot be said however for Wisconsins’s governor GOP candidate Mark Neumann, who held his frosty brew for a grand total of five minutes, or as we call it, five minutes in hell.

Fact finding Friday

Hey everyone, we’ve got some special news for you on this end of the week day!

Fun Fact: You can lie about having a Medal of Honor.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that lying about having a unique award is not a criminal act.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that it’s okay to be a douchebag.

Isn’t the world of law fun?

Rum barrel politics

It’s been nearly four years since we mentioned the Pirate party. Back then, it was mostly in Sweden. If you stop and think about it, they probably should have called it the Viking party. Regardless, there is a U.S. branch of the political movement, as we reported four years ago. (Just think, a Pirate president could have served a full term in that time.)

But now, for some reason, they’ve been spotted in Oregon for the first time in a while (video). In case you forgot, the party stands for a free, open internet and a great deal of rum. Sure, the Pirate party doesn’t seem to have websites as the state level, but if they did, that would just make it easier for the navy to hunt them down.

This fall, vote for swashbuckling. Vote Pirate.

Remember: Talk Like a Pirate Day is only a month away!