Day: August 27, 2010

You Missed It: Taking back America edition

Well, the good news is that all the annoying kids who were crowding your favorite hangouts are back in school now. If nothing else, it’s quieter. The bad news is that summer is almost over. Well, technically it’s not over until mid-late September, but really, everyone counts it as at Labor Day weekend. So really, it’s the last normal weekend of summer, if that makes any sense. If you were busy getting trapped in mine this week, odds are you missed it.

The Million-Honky March
As with any other city, there are some downsides to living in the Washington, D.C. area–traffic, homeless people shouting random things at you, and Congress. Well, that last one is actually unique. Being near the seat of power for the whole country really becomes a pain in the ballot box when a protest comes to town. This weekend, Glenn Beck and the Beckites (who had a hit song in the late 80s, I believe) are rallying at the National Mall this weekend to protest that liberal schools are teaching children that we lost World War II, or something like that. Me, I’m going to head down there tomorrow and sell tin foil hats at $15 a pop. I will never have to work again.

Mistakes were made
It was five years ago that Hurricane Katrina hit the lost city of Atlantis, known today as New Orleans. Michael “Brownie” Brown, who was the director of FEMA at the time of the storm, decided to come out of whatever moldy trailer he had locked himself in, to say that perhaps he made a mistake in 2005. “In my defense, without me, Treme would never have happened,” Brown said.

Can’t get salmonella without breaking a few eggs
If you had an egg recently, you probably spent a fair amount of time on the can, or worrying that you would be very soon. The nation faces a series of salmonella outbreaks were linked to bad eggs. Naturally, Americans turned to lawmakers and asked, “But what about my Egg McMuffin?” Then again, if you get the runs from that, it’s nothing out of the ordinary.

‘Presume’ nothing with tigers

A woman was caught by Thai airport security with a sedated tiger cub in her carry-on bag. She attempted to smuggle the world’s orangest dangerous animal by filling the bag around it with stuffed toy tigers.

So, Time. If the tiger cub’s so “presumably adorable,” then how come it stuck out like a sore thumb against so many precious stuffed animals? Sounds like it was too ugly to pass the Hobbes Fantasy vs. Reality Tiger Test.

But that’s not the end of the story. The tiger’s destination? Iran.

Beware of Australo-fascists!

Something nefarious is happening in Australian schools.

Last week, Kalgoorlie-Boulder Community High School students were assigned a project–a terror project to be exact. The assignment was to plan a chemical and/or biological attack designed to inflict the most civilian deaths possible.

We took that news with a grain of salt because, if there’s one way to make sure teenagers don’t do something, it’s to assign it as schoolwork. (This is why we still haven’t read The Red Badge of Courage.)

But now–NOW–a Catholic school in Perth gave its top costume award to a nine- or ten-year-old boy dressed as Hitler!

We’re not saying it’s time to distrust all Australians in your midst as potential terror Nazis, just any that seem particularly interested in Hitler, terrorism, scapegoating and your television.

Looking forward to conjugal visits

Folks, there is one thing that The Guys do not endorse mixing with alcohol: pills ice cream cake getting married. Sure, it’s fun to drink after the ceremony, just ask Scott Stapp, but drinking beforehand may get you into trouble.

One bride got arrested and charged with DUI a matter of hour before her wedding. Sure, she had not planned on drinking so much, or even partying as hard as she did, but it was a bachelorette party, and what looks better in wedding photos than bloodshot eyes and a pale completion? The good news is that she was processed and made it home in time for the wedding. Cheers!