Day: September 10, 2010

You Missed It: Close shave edition

Hey, look! The summer is over and there is actually some news to cover out there. You folks think these summaries just write themselves, but let me tell you, it takes me minutes of hard work and dedication every week to bring you the You Missed It goodness you love so much (at least in my head you do). If you were busy having your Heisman trophy taken away, odds are you missed it.

Why do I keep referencing the same movie?
Generally, we have the asteroids coming toward Earth for Michael Bay to handle, but every now and then, even his spinny-360-wide-angle camera shots can’t encapsulate (Triple word score!) the danger we face. On Wednesday, we had not one, not two, but–well, actually two, sorry about that–two asteroids pass us as shorter distances than the Moon. That means we came close twice in the same day to getting blown to smithereens–or the arrival of two Transformers, take your pick.

The burning sensation
This week, the Vatican shocked the world when it took a stand against Pastor Terry Jones and the Dove World Outreach Center for their plans to burn Korans on the ninth anniversary of 9/11. The Holy See said it was greatly concerned with the plans. Folks, when a guy who grew up in the Hitler youth is telling you burning a book is a bad idea, maybe it’s time to reconsider.

But he has to wear the suspenders
It’s no surprise that Larry King is stepping down in a few months. We knew that already. However, we found out this week that Piers Morgan will be his replacement. You know, the guy who’s a judge on “Britain’s/America’s Got Talent” and the former winner of “Celebrity Apprentice.” That guy. Look at it this way: at least it wasn’t Ryan Seacrest.

Timing is everything

For 50 years, the International Association for Suicide Prevention and the World Health Organization have promoted Sept. 10 as World Suicide Prevention Day. It’s important because–though 3,000 people successfully take their own lives every day–an estimated 60,000 attempt it.

So, as the link above mentions, maybe take some time to bone up on “Take 5 to Save Lives” to learn more about the signs of suicidal behavior and ways to help a friend or yourself.

Now that we got that of the way: Can you imagine telling callers to a suicide prevention hotline on Sept. 10, 2001 that tomorrow will be a better day?

Babies > maces

Oh Walmart. The crimes that linger in and around your stores give us no dearth of laughs. I mean, obviously, it can be gathered that the majority of the people that commit acts of disingenuous behavior in your presence probably aren’t the smartest people in their locale; however, there are some members of the intelligencia living among the detritus.

After all, how else can you explain using a newborn baby as a blunt object in order to avoid being captured by the authorities, especially if you’re the parent of said child? Had he used a baby, mighty Casey Jones may not have struck out. Had she used a baby, perhaps Elin could have gotten answers out of Tiger a lot earlier.

Sadly, we’ll never know. The only evidence we have is a Syracuse woman stealing a large amount of goods from a store and then using a baby in a baby carrier like a ye olde ball and chain against a loss prevention officer in the attempt to flee the store. A flee attempt that eventually ended unsuccessfully, mind you. Alas, we may never know this secret of the world.

We won!

Folks, smoke ’em if you got ’em, it’s celebrating time.

Fidel Castro, the once-fearsome leader of communist Cuba, has declared that communism no longer works. Like it ever did. We’re serious here, Castro said the Cuban form of communism doesn’t work anymore. Basically, that means we won the embargo. Eat it, commies!

Remember this day, proud Americans. This is a day such as we have not seen since the fall of the Berlin Wall, and Pepsi’s not there to exploit it this time (yet). Any day now, they Cuban government is going to ask the U.S. Army to take a symbolic run up San Juan Hill and plant the American flag. Rum and cigars for everyone!