Day: September 15, 2010

Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”

What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?

I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.

What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.

So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

What’s in a corny name?

That which we call high fructose corn syrup by another name would taste the g@ddamn same. And that’s exactly what the Corn Refiners Association hopes.

Big Corn has taken a hit on the anti-corn syrup bandwagon and hopes that it’ll sell like sickeningly sweet hotcakes with a new name: corn sugar. With FDA approval, the new name should make it sound more comparable to table sugar, and not glucose that’s been raped by science until it mutates into a fructosey paste.

But Big Sugar won’t have none of that. They’re lobbying against corn syrup’s reinvention.

Did somebody say …… wood?

Okay, the obligatory Dave Coulier reference has been done. It won’t have to be made again for a whole year.

HOWEVER, if you live in Peru, you know what you might have to make again, and in less than a year’s time? Your wooden house. No joke.

The catfish are coming, the catfish are coming! Yes, a new species of catfish has been found in northeastern Peru. These creatures are fond of wood (just like your mom), or least, the scrapings of wood. They consume said scrapings with their nightmarish spoon teeth. Oh, and they grow to be around two feet in length. That’s more than a third of me!

People, I shouldn’t have to explain to you just how critical it is for us to eliminate these creatures right now. The sooner they’re taken care of, the better, because if we don’t, an untold number of native Peruvians that have built their houses literally on the river may soon find themselves in wetter living conditions than they imagined.

Bugdet cuts hit bellow the belt

Think your country’s broke? You’re wrong. You know who is? Ireland. Over there, they’ve had such problems with their budget that they can’t afford to build any rest areas along their revamped road network that can take you from the Irish Sea to the Atlantic Ocean, and, we assume, back again.

Man, not even Virginia has it that bad–anymore!

They are now erecting signs all over the motorway system saying that while, yes, you can now go from one coast to another at higher speeds safely, you’d better use that speed, because you won’t find a bathroom anywhere.