Day: September 17, 2010

You Missed It: Recluse edition

Last weekend I was driving home and I saw the first few trees changing color, marking their inevitable death. Why do trees have to be so dramatic about it? It’s like “look at me, the chlorophyll is leaving the air and I’m going to show you I hurt inside.” Trees are so needy. If you were busy getting picked to play Freddie Mercury in a movie, odds are you missed it.

So is he also going to play the Unabomber?
As it turns out Joaquin Phoenix is not a crazed, highly-talented actor-turned hip hop artist. Well at least the movie about him isn’t real. It was revealed this week that the upcoming documentary about Phoenix and his decent into madness/ post-acting career is nothing but a two-year hoax. Casey Affleck, friend of Phoenix and director of the mockumentary, confirmed this week that it is all fake, and that Phoenix was just acting. Finally, we have a reason to hate someone with the last name “Affleck.”

Ben XVI meets Liz II
The Pope is in the United Kingdom. Let’s think about that for a moment. The head of the Catholic Church went to England, a country that officially renounced Catholicism as a whole centuries ago, but the Pope is there anyway. He must have a thing for the Queen or something. In the meantime, the Irish found a way to make it about them losing and England winning yet again.

Imma stop you right there
MTV hosted the Video Music Awards last weekend. You know, that show where the categories keep changing for videos they don’t actually show in the first place, giving out awards with an icon whose meaning no one remembers? That was on. It is also the award ceremony where anything can happen, so be ready for it! Unfortunately, nothing really out of control happened this year, which kind of made it feel like a let down. But that didn’t keep people from remembering last year’s Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident, in which America’s sweetheart ruined West’s moment of drunken fame.

Delaware’s suddenly a sexy state

The biggest election news this past week was the triumph of Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell in the Republican primary for one of Delaware’s U.S. Senate seats.

Immediately following her win, Democrats cackled with glee, believing they had locked up the crucial Masturbators Bloc. They based this on statements she made 15 years ago on MTV’s “Sex in the ’90s,” in which she snubbed masturbation as lust, wrong and making your wife’s handjobs seem bush league and amateurish.

But, O’Donnell clarified those statements in a candidate’s forum Thursday night, saying that her “faith has matured” since then, and that she will consider any issues from a constitutional perspective.

So, she either plans to amend the Constitution* to reflect her personal morality, or–after 41 years of being single–she’s finally embraced DIY.

*Speaking of: Hey! It’s Constitution Day!

So wrong it’s right

A few years ago, we told you that some bugs are doing it wrong.

Now, science is telling us that for the sake of evolution, maybe they’re doing it right. We’re not sure if this means that making fudge is the proper way for storks to drop babies down chimneys, but we do know one thing: the more godless hybrid abominations that are created through horrid elephant on (literally) minotaur copulation, the more demonic hellbeasts that we have to stop. Which may or may not be a good thing.

A sex scandal? IN A CHURCH?

Pope Benedict XLV XVI is addressing recent claims of sex abuse by the Catholic church in a visit to England. This is the latest stop on Benedict’s, or to those of us who know him better, Arnold’s European rounds to address the latest scandal rocking his church.

Amid this latest scandal we would like to bring up other stories that are in no way old, recycled, or beat to death:

  • Brett Favre is retiring, or is he?
  • Tea Party!
  • Another Tiger Woods’ mistress
  • Obama isn’t popular anymore
  • … Wait, he is again!

Maryland Taiwan is for crabs

I have often said that one of the most important inventions of the 20th century in our battle against the beastly brigades was the highway. Roads, cars and high speeds combine to make any driver an unwitting road warrior.

But now, Taiwan, our — well technically they’re nothing to us, since the United States only acknowledges one China — is turning tail and switching sides, all for crabs. Once, they set up a highway near where land crabs needed to cross in order to lay their eggs. The strategy worked, and countless crabs have become part of the pavement because of it. But now they want to hire crossing guards along the highway for the crabs.

This is a sign of weakness, Taiwan. You make Chaing Kai Shek weep in his grave.