MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Host’

Monster movies have always captured audiences’ attention. From King Kong and Godzilla to The Blob and Jaws, cinematic monsters leave us both in awe and terror, as we contemplate our effect on nature. In it’s bold continuation of the monster movie tradition, The Host is both shocking and surprising, but not because of graphic violence or exploited terror. It breaks from genre conventions so quickly, that you are left off-kilter, not knowing what to expect next. It’s a monster movie that plays like the filmmakers have never seen another monster movie, and it’s a breath of fresh air in a rather stale genre.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Host’

Elmo love motorboats

Parents screening a new episode of Sesame Street saved millions of households from masturbating toddlers by cutting a duet by Katy Perry and Elmo. The test audience believed her clothing revealed too much of her ample bosom, which could have give straight little boys their first boners and gay little boys their first Halloween costume.

The offending video is available in the link, but prepare for disappointment. It’s still not the footage of nipples we’ve been waiting for.

Parents are such teases.

They’re gonna need a bigger jail cell

But that’s okay, they can probably fit it into the budget.

Bell is a small city in Southern California with an equally small population. It is also without what most people would call a functioning government, as they’re all now behind bars.

The city manager drew a salary of $800,000 and also used city money to pay off his personal loans and buy stuff. The city council members got $100,000 each for being on the city council part-time and  also approving the city manager buying stuff for himself. Which, really, is an astronomical salary for doing something part-time. Nonetheless, the 9 people were charged with misappropriating city funds (think around the area of $5 million) and arrested, though it took a battering ram on his door to take down the city manager (which is something we’d like to see more of).

By the way, our favorite mugshot is the one of George Mirabal (bottom row, number three from left to right). You can’t really tell if he’s surprised by the matter or just attempting the worst intimidation tactics ever, but you can definitely tell that he’s going to fly away.

I’ll have an orange mocha frappaccino with a twist of my arm and my leg

Starbucks, long known for being the hottest spot to overspend for burnt coffee and reasonably priced $17.50 John Legend albums, is now hiking up their prices for “labor intensive drinks.”

We know that life is so tough that you have to express yourself with your Wiccan tattoo on your forearm, along with your Buddy Holly glasses and holier than thou attitude, but now we have to pay for your lifestyle? Lame.

Sabotage from space

Folks, there are a lot of wars going on right now. We are currently meeting on the battlefield: terrorism, drugs, poverty, illiteracy, concussions, and of course, animals. But like Korea, we’re still at war, even though we often forget get about it. Our currently forgotten war is that against aliens. Only the History Channel’s daytime/weekend fare reminds us of our peril. Well, here’s something to remind us all why we fight.

UFOs are knocking out our ICBMs, and we’ve got the military guys to back it up. A panel for former servicemen will gather next week at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. to discuss how in many instances our country’s nuclear arsenal was incapacitated while a strange disc was spotted floating nearby. No, really, that press release isn’t a fake, the National Press Club’s site confirms it.

We tried to tell you that Barack Obama was soft on alien life forms. John McCain would have never allowed this to happen!