Day: September 24, 2010

You Missed It: I have to warn you about the future edition

OK, now it’s officially fall. I won’t be doing any more of those “alas, the summer is nearly ended” sort of intros. No, now, I’m going to talk about … um … football, yeah! Now that the season is back and in full gear, are you as into the season as I am? Mostly, I’m talking about Madden. I recently got an XBox 360 (I’ve finally decided this “Microsoft” start-up may be worth an investment), and I find Madden more fun than watching the NFL because, for one thing, the players do what I tell them to do. If you were busy violating your probation, odds are you missed it.

And stay tuned for the release of my memoir Time Travel Happens Even When You’re Sober
I am a very, very smart man, as many of you well know. So I’ll try to explain this complicated subject in terms that even you can grasp. As it turns out, Einstein’s theory of relativity is correct: I am, in fact, traveling through time. Researchers in Colorado were able to prove that the farther away you get from the Earth, with its gravity so strong it affects space-time, the faster time goes. I live on the fourth floor of my building–the top floor of my building, which sits on a hill. Ladies and gentlemen, I come from the future, and it is awesome.

The South will celebrate again
Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell caused quite a stir last year when he re-instated Civil War History Month, but left out any menti0n about slavery. Well, if it’s one thing that history teaches us, it’s that you should always repeat your mistakes, but to a lesser degree, which is why McDonnell declared that his state will celebrate the Civil War all over again next April, but mention something about slaves next time. Civil War education is important, everyone. Most Southerners have no idea that they actually lost and are still American citizens.

Anyone want to play the ‘publicity stunt’ card?
On Thursday, Facebook had what is being called the largest outage it has ever had, leaving some users unable to connect to the social networking site, while others simply had really, really slow access. It is said that millions of people were forced to look up from their screens and talk to each other.

Men now anxious for Armageddon

We already knew that bras could save your breasts from swinging National Geographically, but did you know that a bra could save your life?

Well, not in every situation. It can save you from “chemicals as harsh as the ones at Chernobyl,” tuberculosis and maybe even pollen. But it won’t work on gunshots, bee stings, lightning, cancer, plane crashes, Daleks, meteorites, AIDS, high-five accidents, Shug Knight, sharks, samurai swords, faulty parachutes, the hand in the toilet, stampedes, ninjas, old age, skiing, HDL cholesterol, grammar Nazis, Nazi Nazis, wild boars, kitchen fires, improper flare use, licking a transformer, maulings, bludgeonings and quarterings.

Otherwise, they’ve successfully made the brassiere even more complicated.

It’s literally he said, she said

Angie L. Jenkins told a boy she played World of Warcraft with that she was 21. She’s actually 35. He told her he was 20. He was actually 15. Can we say romantic comedy?

After meeting in 2009, the pair developed a relationship that began online, moved to phone conversation and ultimately ended with a rendezvous in a car park in Amherst, New York, where the pair had sex, despite the unnamed boy being only 16 at the time. Jenkins has since been charged with “using the Internet to entice an underage person into sexual activity”, her undoing being that, during their earlier communications, the boy eventually and explicitly told her he was only 15, yet she kept up her pursuit, later telling a federal agent “it did not matter how old he was”. After all, love cares not for age nor legal status, right?

It’s not known at the moment just how Jenkins, a mother of five, was tracked down, but when the FBI got hold of her World of Warcraft username, all it took was an administrative subpoena to WoW developers Blizzard and they had her name and contact details. So, hey, you night elf and paladin in the corner over there-knock it off!

Warrior of the Week: Mary Ellen Mara-Christian

Down south, they have some problems with alligators, but they have to import Yankees to take care of the job. That includes 5’5″ tall women from Massachusetts.

Mary Ellen Mara-Christian wrangled in a 13-foot, 900-lb. gator in South Carolina last week. She hooked him and fought him for two hours before finally getting him to the boat and putting a bullet in his head–then another seven, plus a few stabs with a knife because the bastard just wouldn’t die. And yes, she’s from Massachusetts.

We salute you, Mara-Christian. Keep reelin’ ’em in as long as South Carolina’s gator season is open, and then maybe a few days after it’s over, too.