Month: October 2010

You Missed It: Denise Richard’s fault edition

Forgive me if I seem a bit out of it. My office had a happy hour last night, and it lasted well longer than an hour. You know how it is. The important thing is that it’s now Friday and it’s time for us to greet the weekend with open arms–just don’t get all handsy with it. If you were busy stumping right before the election, odds are you missed it.

We’ve all been there
Charlie Sheen has long been known as the ideal parenting figure, but that’s shattered now because of an incident this week. In New York City, Sheen was on vacation with his ex-wife and children when the cops were called to his hotel room. Sheen, quite inebriated and possibly emotionally disturbed, was found naked and rambling amidst $7,000 worth of damage to his room. Also, there was a porn star in his closet. He’d better get his head on straight, he’s got another Hot Shots! to think about.

At least they are seriously considering the time traveler theory
A fourth shooting at a military building happened in Virginia this week. Someone shot at the National Museum of the Marine Corps, and there are no suspects at this point. Also, federal authorities arrested a Virginia man who believed he was helping al Qaeda do some surveillance for a planned bombing of Washington, D.C.’s subway system. So yeah, living in the D.C. area has been pretty exciting for me this week.

There’s a run on orange body makeup
According to People magazine, the most popular celebrity Halloween costumes this year are Snooki, from Jersey Shore, and Lady Gaga. While it is likely that someone out there that will wear a dress made out of uncooked meat, scientists do not recommend it. They say such a costume could make you a walking health hazard, which some people may mistake for Snooki.

The Real Story: Putin’s mug

When it comes to modern leadership, there aren’t a lot of charismatic characters.

You get the wannabes like Kim Jong Il, who think parades and sorority girl sunglasses make them colorful and interesting. There are the merely entertaining like Sarah Palin, the Snooki of politics who doesn’t lead anything and thinks any attention is good attention. And let’s not forget the many boring 6-to-9ers that think attendance is a real achievement.

But then there’s Vladimir Putin.

Vlad’s in the news for what appear to be covered-up bruises on his cheeks. The press wants to know what exactly he’s rouging up, and the latest theory is plastic surgery.

Yet, they once again missed the real story, right there in the image caption:

Where is this story?! We heard he shot one, but tiger wrestling? That’s gotta be illegal somewhere!

Just a light snack

If you’re thinking about grabbing some lunch, you may want to think about eating cockroaches.

Well, maybe just holding them in your mouth. Whether you chew is entirely up to you. On Halloween, a pet store employee in Michigan will try to beat the Guinness World Record for holding cockroaches in one’s mouth. Aside from the obvious attention from the ladies it will get him, he is doing it for charity.

In case you’re wondering, the record is six.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Burrowers’

It was once almost universally true that any film that went straight to video was bad. The obvious reasoning was generally sound: If it were any good, it would have played in theaters.

But over time, movies have gotten easier and cheaper to produce, which means more of them are being made, which means it simply isn’t feasible to release them all theatrically. This has led us to the current situation, where many legitimately entertaining films are premiering on DVD rather than at your local multiplex. The only hard part is identifying them, since a lot of garbage still goes the straight-to-DVD route, too.

The Burrowers, a tense Western-horror hybrid, is a fine example of a DVD premiere that doesn’t deserve the DVD stigma. It has an R rating and no major stars, and it isn’t a sequel or remake. It has no stringy-haired Japanese ghost children crawling out of bathtubs. It would be slaughtered at the box office. It is an utterly fantastic hidden gem.  Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Burrowers’

Time travel challenge accepted!

Two weeks ago, SeriouslyGuys issued a challenge to time travelers in a Take it from Snee Lightning Round:

“I like to imagine Hitler’s final days being in a bunker not (just) because of the Russians, but because a future Web site launches a time traveling contest to see who can kill him the most creatively. To claim the prize, your presubmitted demise must make the newspapers afterwards. Making it look like a suicide doesn’t count.

(Did I just launch this contest back in 2010? Perhaps, if you’re thinking fourth dimensionally!)”

We already have an entry.

Unfortunately, the evidence is from 1923, not 1945, so it’s clearly not an attempt on Hitler’s life with  a rolled-up iPad–

UNLESS! Unless she’s actually trying to kill him before he becomes a nuisance! Quick, check History’s This Day In History! Is there an entry for World War II?

Nevermind. Look, eager young time cadets: if you’re not going to take this seriously, then we’re just going to start railing against time travel again. Now quit star-f@%king, and start star-bludgeoning!

(With special thanks to Mr. Groonk.)

Disappointment between the sheets

In hotel rooms and their own homes, many Americans are not sleeping alone, even if they think they are. We have heard a lot about the onslaught of that bed bugs are inflicting on these United States, particularly in urban areas, but what we didn’t know is that they’re out for more than just our blood.

As it turns out, they are ruining our relationships, according to a video. Couples are breaking up because of bed bug infestations. Their plan is not merely to make us all sad and lonely, but it’s more sinister. They want us to stop having carnal pleasures, so that we can’t procreate anymore.

Remember, folks, the deed can be done away from your sleeping quarters.

Take it from Snee: Milk

It’s a crazy world out there this week: guys (not The Guys) are stomping on ladies’ heads at political rallies and demanding an apology, presumably for smudging their new “kicks.”

That ain’t healthy. Not only is it heinous, but this is only a mid-term election. WTF?

This is why I’m doing something a little different for Take it from Snee. Your health is important, so I’ve taken it upon myself to produce this PSA.

(This has nothing to do with all those mattress tags I stole and subsequent court rulings.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Milk

You should’ve seen the preferred version

Please note: this headline might be considered Not Safe For Work.

Also note: we’re not really sure we’d like to know if there’s a wanted version to be found.

Also note 2-Electric Boogaloo: Since this took place in Australia, isn’t it called a didgeridoo instead?