Month: November 2010

Eat My Sports: Boised out

Like many of you, I have a major problem with the way NCAA football is run. It’s part of the reason I love the NFL more, at least with the NFL, they let a champion be decided on the field, not in computer rankings.

Each year Boise State is forced to run the gauntlet undefeated and pray that each team ranked number one, loses, just so they have a shot at playing for the national title. And each year they prove themselves worthy, and each year they are denied.

What is even more sad is that years when they have a fantastic season, and lose one game, like a few BCS title teams have also, in Boise’s case, the season is lost, and they are demoted to a community college level bowl. Meanwhile, a six win FSU squad gets to fight to play in the Fiesta Bowl. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Boised out

The smarter they are, the harder they drink

The winner of today’s Infographic of the Day (if such a category existed on this site) is an ego boost for The Guys. It’s a pathetic ego boost, as most ego boosts are wont to be, but we’ll take what we can get.

According to Psychology Today, children ranging from “bright” to “sparkly” “very bright” are much more likely than their “normal” and duller peers to drink as adults.

Atlantic columnist, Andrew Sullivan cites Oakeshott, saying that intelligent people use alcohol to shut their brains down for a few lapdances.

It’s a nice theory, but it seems more likely that smart people drink because they can’t otherwise figure out how to live in a world where Kardashian Kredit Kards almost existed.

(Via Lindsey Johnson and Frank Kelly Rich)

Not to be found in the Dummy’s Guide Series

Say you’ve spent your life breaking into people’s houses and stealing stuff. You haven’t been caught so far, so it makes sense that you’d want to continue keeping a low profile, right? So you would avoid, say, publishing a book about your techniques and heists. Oh wait, you just wrote such a book and had it published? Crap.

That’s pretty much what Hajime Karasuyama (pen name) has done. Occupation, Thief; Annual Income, 30 million yen, the book,  gives tips on how to commit burglaries from a “gentleman cat burglar.” The author claims that he has developed the ability to know where a house’s occupants have hidden money and valuables.

Some of the content includes tips for gaining access to a locked house silently and efficiently without leaving traces. Karasuyama recommends hybrid cars due to their quieter sound, and once you’re at the door, a jeweler’s magnifying glass will reverse the view of a peephole.

It’s hard to imagine people being okay with a book promoting burglary, but it’s apparently flying off the shelves. Now, will someone explain to me why we don’t use the word “burgle” in our social lexicon anymore?

The commies have it in for Bruce!

Bruce Willis is best known for his tough guy image, and his classic roles, like the voice of Spike the dog in Rugrats Go Wild. But now in Russia he’ll be known as that guy from the television commercials.

John McClane himself has signed on with Trust bank (which sounds like English spoken poorly by a Russian spy) to appear as the spokesman in a new ad campaign. Apparently Willis is something of a star over there, too, even though the Russians know he stands for everything that is good and decent in America.

There’s only one thing: Willis’ predecessor, weightlifter Vladimir Turchinsky, died suddenly last year. I smell a trap!

The McBournie Minute: You won’t get a card from me

I’ve seen enough “Shirley” references on the Internets to last me through this mourning period. I keenly feel the loss of Leslie Nielsen, as he played a major role in the shaping of my humor in my formative years, and his comedies stand up even today. We’ll miss you, Enrico Pallazzo.

You may not have heard about this, but is now the holiday season. That means it’s time to get cheery, damn it! You express your Christmas/ Hanukkah/ Kwanzaa/ Ramadan/ Boxing Day spirit by putting up lights, acting like a buffoon in retail stores and drinking to excess at parties. Christians add a bit more on to this: the Christmas card.

Yesterday I was walking out of the grocery store, filled with warm and fuzzy feelings about those important to me, and how I should make an effort to maintain those relationships. I thought that perhaps I should send them some sort of a message letting them know that they are in my thoughts, and that I am doing well.

Then I realized I was thinking about Christmas cards, and I stopped thinking about other people. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: You won’t get a card from me

The Real Story: Earmarks possibly banned via earmark

No, the headline above is not a LOL; it’s purely observation of a phenomenon witnessed only in Washington D.C. and Mr. Magoo’s torture cellar:  clueless execution. And, as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla. hoped, the Associated Press missed it in the midst of their story about an FDA bill.

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. got an agreement to move the legislation by allowing Republicans to offer amendments not relevant to the bill. […] Coburn is expected to offer an amendment to place a moratorium on spending for ‘earmarks,’ or pet projects in lawmakers’ states and districts[.]”

Alright, technically, it’s not an earmark. But it sure ain’t a straightforward bill, neither.

Someone call Mister Burns!

For eons, the Sun has provided free energy, light, and warmth to Earth, and all for free. What a capitalistic waste. But now, no longer!

Angeles Duran, a woman from the Spanish region of Galicia, is the new proud owner of the Sun. She says she got the idea in September when she read about an American man registering his ownership of the Moon and most of the planets in the Solar System. She says that she has every right do this within international law, which only forbids countries from claiming planets or stars, not individuals:

“There was no snag, I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law. I did it but anyone else could have done it, it simply occurred to me first.”

She says she will begin charging people for the use of the Sun. The price she paid? Approximately a measly 5 gazillion moonbucks.

Update your status or it didn’t happen

We’ve all known that Facebook can be bad for your professional career, and put a serious crimp in your extra-marital activities, but now, it’s actually bad for your health.

An Italian man suffered an asthma attack after signing on to Facebook and checking out how many friends his ex-girlfriend had added. First off, this is a rookie mistake. You never check an ex’s profile, you’ll never find any good information there (that’s why I stalk in person). Secondly, if your ex is adding enough friends (or “friending,” as the kids are calling it), to trigger your asthma, he or she is probably a whore, and you’re better off.

Animal Liberation Front has AIDS

While we’re not ones to hand out free tips to species traitors like the Animal Liberation Front, we can’t gloat without doing so.

So, if your plan is to intimidate an animal researcher, the last thing you want to do is mail him razor blades and claim they’re infected with AIDS.

1. He conducts medical research on animals. Which means he can easily test whether the razors actually carry the HIV virus by using it on the monkeys.

2. The medical research is for addictive drugs. You might as well mail him pocket mirrors and rolled up dollar bills for the cocaine wing, which is filled with a hundred monkeys at a hundred typewriters who have already developed scripts for 12 Two and a Half Men clones.