Day: November 9, 2010

Eat My Sports: Halfway home

We’re at the halfway mark of the NFL season, so it’s time for my usual musings, observations and plead for Tom Brady to please get a ####ing haircut. Normally my routine consists of naming an MVP, Coach of the Year, etc … etc … however, this years we’re going to just cut to the chase and name the teams that you need to be paying attention to the final eight weeks of the season and deep into the postseason.

Ladies and gentlemen, your contenders.

The “Don’t expect anything more than a second round exit, but hey, if we really, really try it could mean another Lombardi Trophy” division

New York Giants
The NFC is a pretty watered down product this year, but out of all the mess, the Elisha Manning-led New York giants are separating themselves as the best team out of the lot. New York’s receiving corp is as good as it gets in the NFL, and the Giants have proven to be giant-killers in years’ past. The only real problem in New york is that this team has the ability to implode, and implode fast. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Halfway home

Texting: the new, new gateway

Parents, if you thought your work was over: think again.

We’ve locked down every gateway to teenage sex and drinking, whether that gateway was pot, rock and roll, Satanism, thong underwear, birth control, spanking, video games, prime time television, gay teachers, violent cartoons, Sudafed, aerosol cans, presidential “bee-jays,” cleavage on Sesame Street, soccer games with clear-cut winners, candy cigarettes, red ink, trans fats, method acting, driving with passengers, Catholicism, scrambled pornography, comic books, music videos, the rap music, Bratz dolls, Woodrow Wilson, The Catcher in the Rye and that hairy bush from High School Musical.

We found a new one for you to go after: texting.

Get panicking! Their next text could be the text that makes you a horrible mom or dad.

That is INDEED a gun in my pocket

Hey, NRA, at your next meeting, you might want to think about putting out some conditional rules of for new gun owners. Such as:

  • If you’re inebriated and dealing with guns, you probably shouldn’t have the gun.
  • If you’ve decided to play a solo game of Russian Roulette, you probably shouldn’t have the gun.
  • If you’re going to the bathroom, and you have to remove the gun from your body in order to use the facilities, then you probably shouldn’t have had the gun in the first place.

Because if you’re not careful, you might end up shooting yourself.

Lay off the salad and reach for some Doritos

Hey, tubby, it’s us again. We are here to remind you that you still haven’t lost any weight since the last time we talked. It’s time to get serious, don’t you think? Sure, you’re working out more, and that’s great, but what about your diet?

Maybe your problem is that you’re eating too many fruits and vegetables and not enough healthy stuff, like Twinkies. That’s what Mark Haub thought, so he ate nothing but Twinkies, donuts, cookies, candy and more, and as far as we know, he does not have diabetes yet. After being on the diet for 10 weeks, he lost 27 lbs.

Crazy, huh? Well Haub is a nutrition professor at Kansas State University, and no one wants to take the advice of an overweight nutrition professor.