Day: November 12, 2010

You Missed It: The Carnival diet edition

Hello, how have you been? I have to say I had a really nice time with you the other night. No, there’s no need to pay for your half, it was my pleasure treating you. Listen, you seem really cool and all, but I’m just not sure I felt the spark that I was looking for. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t fight it, I need you, reader. If you were busy running in the New York Marathon, odds are you missed it.

Still better than capsizing
A cruise ship in the Pacific Ocean lost power off the coast of Mexico this week, leaving hundreds of people adrift with no way to keep food fresh or flush toilets. The Carnival Splendor had to be towed back to San Diego, after crew and passengers alike had to live on spam and granola bars for days while tolerating overflowing toilets. In other words, it was exactly like the Burning Man festival.

Shilling Accomplished
Former President George W. Bush made the rounds on mainstream media this week as part of the launch of his new book “Decision Points.” The Decider opened up to people like Matt Lauer and Oprah, telling them stories about his drinking days, when he asked his parents what sex was like after 50, and accidentally killing a goldfish when he poured vodka into the bowl. The working title of the book was “But Seriously, You Would Have Liked Me More 30 Years Ago.”

Unruly neighbors
Wild turkeys are reportedly becoming a nuisance to the residents of Staten Island, N.Y. While there is no official count, estimates reach the hundreds. The birds crap everywhere, refuse to yield for traffic, and ignore pretty much anything you do to scare them away. Sounds like they’re well on their way to being New Yorkers. Say, isn’t there a holiday coming up that can take care of this problem?

Does this mean we owe them one?

Big question to everyone: who here has a fondness for Dick Van Dyke?

This could potentially be very important. You see, Dick Van Dyke was off in the sea, minding his own business, surfboarding it up, when he fell asleep. Now, everyone likes a pleasant afternoon nap … but an afternoon nap out on the water is a little bit different. And when you’ve managed to make your way out of sight of land, that starts to fall into the dangerous area.

Here’s where it gets tricky. Van Dyke was then pushed back to shore by a pack of porpoises. Not the rapists of the sea dolphins, but their ugly cousins, porpoises. So, back to my question: does anyone here actually like Dick Van Dyke? We’re at a war here, and every effort might count. As such, if a favor is called in, we may have to be jerks and utter “yeah, but you didn’t actually have to save him.”

You don’t want to be there when they crack it open

In psychological warfare on animals, there are few weapons better than taxidermy. (Think we’re getting a lot of mileage out of the WoA this week? We don’t make the stories up, we just report them when the come across our desk. And yes, we only have one desk. This is a blog, after all.)

And in a lousy economy with the holidays just around the corner, you want to get that special someone a gift that means something, but will also be practical, too. May we present to you, the piglet bank. It’s a piggy bank that at one time was an actual piggy. No more of that fake porcelain pig crap, this is the real thing!

It’s also the perfect nightmare fodder for your annoying children!