Day: November 24, 2010

Animal Liberation Front has AIDS

While we’re not ones to hand out free tips to species traitors like the Animal Liberation Front, we can’t gloat without doing so.

So, if your plan is to intimidate an animal researcher, the last thing you want to do is mail him razor blades and claim they’re infected with AIDS.

1. He conducts medical research on animals. Which means he can easily test whether the razors actually carry the HIV virus by using it on the monkeys.

2. The medical research is for addictive drugs. You might as well mail him pocket mirrors and rolled up dollar bills for the cocaine wing, which is filled with a hundred monkeys at a hundred typewriters who have already developed scripts for 12 Two and a Half Men clones.

It’s football, not footbooze

Now, we of all people are certainly not advocating underage drinking, BUT, usually the high school drinking happens after the dance, rather than before it.

This is equally important to keep in mind when your high school football team seemingly consists of 20 people or less than that amount. Oh, and if you’re one of those 20 people. I mean, even my bumpkin cow-town high school was able to fit more than 30 people on our roster.

Going out with a touch more style

Gay men may not have the right to marry in most states, but they boldly refuse to give up their right die like anyone else. In Germany, stereotyping coffin makers see this as a niche market they are eager to tap, but not like that, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

German undertakers are now offering coffins with mostly nude muscular men painted on them. We are told they are painted in the style of renaissance artwork, and that the only real difference is that the paintings have mustaches.

This would also serve as a great prank for that macho, heterosexual male friend who recently passed away.