Month: December 2010

MasterChugs Theater: Say you want a resolution

No one actually keeps resolutions. I mean, sure, it’s nice that you’ve decided to go work out, but have fun not bothering with it in three weeks. It’s dandy that you’ve decided to eat better, but you’re not actually reading the ingredients of what goes into your body. I know that you planned to read more, but who has time for all those words, right?

So let’s face it-resolutions are no good for us. But that’s not to say that they can’t work for other people.

Welcome to my views on what should be the resolutions of other people.  Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Say you want a resolution

Reabsorbed? Didn’t see that coming

We’ve all heard of Jenny McCarthy and her anti-vaccination rants. But, did you know that there are many other actors who endorse dangerous health ideas? It’s true! Well, science shall no longer tolerate the reckless endangerment of people who take medical advice from abdominal support systems.

We’d like to single out one item in this year’s Sense About Science list, and that’s cage fighter Alex Reid’s semen absorption (“I’m serious; stop laughing, guys!”) scheme:

“It’s actually very good for a man to have unprotected sex as long as he doesn’t ejaculate. Because I believe that all that semen has a lot of nutrition. A tablespoon of semen has your equivalent of steak, eggs, lemons and oranges. I am reabsorbing it into my body and it makes me go raaaaahh.”

Mr. Reid, while this in no way makes us question your sexuality, we’d like to bring up a story about this one guy we heard about in high school who tried to have sex with his girlfriend, and she wouldn’t let him finish, and he died.

… Seriously, though: that “raaaahh”-ing? Probably a prostate cancer flare-up.

It’s not Walmart’s fault that you’re a bad driver

Remember Richard Griswold? Remember his adventures in a Walmart parking lot? Remember how he backed into a light pole that was painted a bright yellow?

Pepperidge Farm doesn’t. But SeriouslyGuys and District Court Judge Sawako Gardner both do. We both know that Griswold somehow managed to make a clod move on his part and then decided to blame someone else for it. However, only Gardner had the legal ability to do something about it (vote Yes on Proposition 456235.SG to make that a reality for SG!) and did he:

In a decision released by the court on Wednesday, the judge wrote that Griswold failed to meet the burden of proof during a previous court hearing. The judge noted Griswold claimed the pole was “not placed properly,” that other drivers had struck it and that it should be moved by Walmart. The judge also wrote Walmart’s opinion that the crash was due to Griswold’s “own negligence.”

It’s never fun to have your inability to simply operate a vehicle in a parking lot become a matter of legal record.

Waiting for a wax job

A wise man, I believe it was Ben Franklin, once said that no matter how silly it is to us Americans to have queen, we must respect others’ cultures. So when we make fun of people who care about a man currently known as a prince getting engaged to what appears to be a flat-nosed demon, we take it in stride for the sake of our limey allies.

But now, it appears Lady Katherine Middleton, a commoner, mist wait until her wedding vows are said and done before she can join her waxen in-laws in Madame Tussaud’s in London. That means we have to wait at least a year to have out pictures taken with the bride-to-be whose likeness has just a hint off enough to make her look creepy, like everyone else in the building.

Take it from Snee: Your 2011 resolutions

Anyone who read Calvin and Hobbes as much as I did already knows where this is going.

Resolutions are stupid because, even if you accomplish them, the world has not changed for the better. Unless your resolution was to fix the Middle East or invent virtual porn for sex offenders—that could help.

Unlike Calvin, it’s not that I necessarily believe that the rest of the world needs to shape up to accommodate me. Some of these are also improvements that I must make along with the rest of our beloved unwashed readers. See? I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I wouldn’t. Just like the carnie with three fingers said, “Shut up and get on the ride, you pussy.”

With that said, read on to find out what I’ve resolved for you, you pussy. (It’s not derogatory if I quote someone I just made up.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your 2011 resolutions

Big Man of the Day Award

This has perhaps been a long time in the making, but it’s now time to unveil a new category: the Big Man of the Day.

It takes a big man to admit when someone has done wrong, and an even bigger one to assert this through force. That is why our first official recipient is Russel E. Miller, who police say hit a teenage boy for not turning off his iPhone on a plane.

For your gross overreaction and uncalled for violence toward a minor in defense of a minor airplane rule, we congratulate you, Self-Anointed Air Marshall Miller!

Also, some honorary mentions for the KBOI2.com commentors who only wish Miller had done more!

French fries are also just like the internet

In more police related news …

People like food. In fact, they like their fast food fresh. Not fresh food fast, but fast food fresh. However, nobody likes their fast food fresh like Robert Quillen does, or potentially his wife. Quillen walked into a Sandusky, Ohio, McDonald’s to get fries for his wife. An argument between Quillen and the manager then arose over the freshness of said french fries.

In a move that completely justifies the use of tax-payers’ money, the police were then called onto the scene. No charges came about due to conflicting stories, but Quillen went home with his money but no fries.

The fries? The fries went home to nobody. They then sobbed themselves to sleep, feeling that nobody wanted them.

OutsourceVille is the next logical step

You can’t stop progress, despite what the hippies say. Just look at how we ourselves went from an agrarian society to working in skyscrapers in just a few generations. It seems now that progress moves even faster than that.

Farmers are once again being pushed off their land by urban sprawl, as the Facebook game “CityVille” has overtaken the annoying “FarmVille” as the most popular app on the social network. And it only needed a month to do it. Let’s face it, no one was surprised when FrontierVille was tamed as the westward expansion continued, but FarmVille being knocked off as number one suggests a major economic shift in EconomyVille.

And if history has taught us anything, that means get ready for federal subsidies, FarmVillers.