Month: March 2011

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Eyeborgs’

I must admit that when I sat down to watch this one I was expecting nothing more than a SyFy Channel-level flick with crappy f/x, a silly one-note story, and wooden characters. And why wouldn’t I expect that? The movie is about surveillance cameras, originally designed to protect us, attacking and killing people. It has “SyFy” written all over it. I was in fact wondering why this hadn’t aired on that channel. But after watching it for only 10 minutes I soon realized that Eyeborgs is so much more than that.

And none of that is good. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Eyeborgs’

And yet plastic bags have suffocation warnings

The Guys have been warning our wives and girlfriends for years, but apparently some people have to die from water balls before they’ll heed our warnings.

But seriously, water balls are inflated plastic balls that people are zipped into to walk across water the way Jesus did: hamster-style. The air you breathe is the same air used to maintain the integrity of the sphere, which should last for an hour … unless you’re dangerously out of shape, so nobody in America should have a problem with this.

Maybe Bubba Gump was onto something

"Get in my belly and on my tee!"Lobsters: if they’re not the second most jerks of the sea (number one on the hit list continuing to be dolphins), then they’re certainly built to be. With an armored carapace, large claws made solely for destruction and a dead look in their eyes, the beasts are essentially zombies of the sea.

Or medieval accountants.

The human race has long known the delicious spoils of war against the crustaceans, but no longer will we know just that reward. Thanks to a scientist, we’ll now be able to deal with the arthropods as the Native Americans did with the buffalo.

Well, that is, if the Native Americans ever played golf.

Sea-to-air attacks

It’s no secret that boating is one of the most deadly pass times around–right up there with HALO skydiving and competitive garbage-disposal clearing–but now that spring is here, we have ourselves some big reminders.

Off the coast of Florida, wife and mother of three was out with her family on a charter boat off watching eagle rays (known for their piercing scream and their sharp talons) jump out of the water, when a big one, up to 300 lbs. estimated, jumped out of the water and tackled her to the deck. Luckily, the woman was not seriously injured, however, the eagle ray escaped to kamikaze another day.

Meanwhile, near Texas, a mako shark, which, you know, have teeth and stuff, jumped into a fishing boat in what ended up a bad career move for the beast. The shark was killed and will be stuffed.

Why are these attacks happening now? Well, though it doesn’t feel like it for much of the U.S., it’s spring, and the animals know it’s time to step up their attacks on humans. Keep your guard up.

Take it from Snee: What do you mean ‘you sandpeople?’

Complaints about racism in Star Wars are far from new, the greatest critique delivered by one Mr. Hooper X in Chasing Amy.

But what about within the universe itself? It’s easy to examine the black and white, so to speak, dynamics of Luke Skywalker versus Darth Vader as the linked clip demonstrates. What’s not so obvious are the racist attitudes of the characters themselves, some of which should know better.

We begin our examination a long, long time ago in … Continue reading Take it from Snee: What do you mean ‘you sandpeople?’

This is what pro-lifers actually believe

The abortion debate is no simple matter. Both sides present a nuanced morality in which the lives of women, and the babies that poop inside of them, are fraught with trauma and heartbreak … at least until yesterday.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed a bill Tuesday that makes it a felony for doctors to perform an abortion for a mother that does not want her child based on race or gender. It’s the first law of its kind according to state legislators, to whom we say finally!

It’s a proven statistic that parents who just loves themselves some abortion and only want one boy and one girl will abort the rest until they achieve it. That’s where the “2.5 kids” average comes from: the half is actually the assembled parts of all the fetuses that didn’t make the cut.

And, of course, it’s high time we put an end to racist mothers who clearly had sex with someone of another race.

Remember: if you’re not for this bill, then you are a racist, sexist hate criminal.

Plenty of bald men, not a lot of RV’s

Fun Fact: Southwest Virginia is not at all like the world of Breaking Bad.

These are words to live by, and yet, people still must learn them. Oh sure, there are plenty of bald men, but RV’s? Not so much. There’s not a lot of desert either. Nonetheless, that apparently did not stop two men from allegedly roaming around Southwest Virginia in their modified Jeep-cum-meth lab. Because, hey, it worked so well for Bryan Cranston, right?

Not so much. An undercover sting resulted in Christopher Paitsell and Brandon Wolfe being arrested and charged with manufacturing and possession of methamphetamine. Despite the age difference between the two, we can neither confirm nor deny if one of them runs around in a pair of tighty-whities while cooking.

Love burns

Obvious jokes about STDs aside, love can burn you. Well, not really burning you, but pretty close.

At least that what your brain thinks. As it turns out, your brain treats emotional hurt the same as physical hurt. Because of this, you may actually hurt your lover without laying a hand on them (that they can prove in court).

Science found this by taking some people who had experienced breakups within the previous six months, and sort of burned their hands, and apparently their brains reacted the same way as when they looked at pictures of their exes.

So if you’ve been feeling down, you’re in pain, or somehow you’ve gotten a significant sickness or cold, feel free to blame your ex.