The Oscars for twenty-eleven (we are nothing if we don’t follow Rick’s rules) are done and over with. I’m sure you’ve woken up from watching them by now. You probably read my column from last week, right? It had my picks in it. If you didn’t, go ahead now. Go on, I’ll wait.
Okay, you’re done? What? No? Fine. Keep reading.
Okay, now you’re done. Keep those picks in mind-they reveal that I’m the smartest person on the planet. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Oscar 2011 Wrap-Up’
Let’s say you are the president of a university. (This is very easy if you actually are one, which is probably a common demographic of our readers.)
Now, let’s imagine that one of your professors invited a musician/sex educator and his fiancé to help teach a voluntary psychology lecture on sex toys and the female orgasm. The musician then penetrates his wife, on stage, with an apparatus comprised of a machine-powered saw with a phallus at the end until she achieves orgasm. (Talk about your Mythbusters, right?)
OK, so people at the school are upset. Do you:
A. Quietly discipline the professor in a professional setting?
B. Ask for the number of the exhibitionist and ask if they does weddings? (… For the music!)
C. Publicly denounce the lecture in the press, attracting every Internet pervert and gawker’s attention to what was once a highly-respected institute of learning?
If you answered C, then congratulations! You made it onto SeriouslyGuys.com today!
We all know that illegal immigration is a big topic of concern, probably even more so in the (oh so fashionably named) Texarkana states. There’s no easy way to end it that’s fair to everyone, but there are plenty of suggestions, especially those from the Republican side of the board. Texas Republican state Representative Debbie Riddle has a fantastic plan:
“Create tough state punishments for those who ‘intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly’ hire an unauthorized immigrant. Violators could face up to two years in jail and a fine of up to $10,000.”
But wait a second here. Illegal immigrants do a lot of jobs that many of us are just too lazy to do. Why should you go shovel your driveway when you can pay someone else to? Why should you mow your lawn? Why should you clean your own house? Because it’s so much easier to just pay someone below minimum wage to do it. And if you’re an official that may possibly have a say regarding illegal immigration?
Don’t you worry. Riddle has, what we call in my business, a workaround.
“Those who hire unauthorized immigrants would be in violation of the law — unless they are hiring a maid, a lawn caretaker or another houseworker.”
Phew. That’s a relief. We’d hate to call someone a hypocrite, because why should Texans be held to the same standard as the rest of America?
Ever wanted to put your competition out of business? Well, other than by getting the iPhone, apparently using mice is the new fad.
You know what we haven’t had in a while? A celebrity go off the deep end, thus becoming a story you can’t escape. I think we’re about due for one, mark my words. That is, of course, unless the media refuses to take its eye off boring topics like those huge protests going on in the Middle East and Northern Africa.
So for now, here’s something to tide you over: In England, somewhere, the former head of Mothers Against Drunk Driving was arrested and charged with something called, “drink driving.” We’re not really sure what that translates to in American English, but can you imagine how ironic it would have been if she had been arrested for drunk driving. Imagine!
[via Jesse S.]
