Day: March 8, 2011

Eat My Sports: Thanks, LeBron

I could write a column about the Miami Heat crying after games. I could write a column about them blowing “insurmountable” leads. I could write a column about them laying a goose eggs against the top four teams in the NBA. I could.

I won’t. LeBron James, consider this my apology for anything bad I have ever said about you, or your taking of talents to South Beach.

The NBA circus got an early start this past year when the Boston Celtics threw James and his talents to the curb like an empty vile of tiger blood. James’ high-profile free agency culminated in his bitch slap to his home town on ESPN and taking the easy route to a championship on the coat tails of Dwayne Wade. In doing so, James unknowingly gave even the casual NBA fan something we have desperately craved, needed, nay … yearned for. A villain. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Thanks, LeBron

Fighting fire with a fistful of matches

James O’Keefe (friend of this Web site) is back in the news with another “hot scoop.”

It was apparently news to him that NPR executives believe that Tea Partiers are “xenophobic,” “seriously racist people,” who are “fanatically involved in people’s personal lives.”

He proved that by secretly recording a private meeting by disguising two people as representatives of a Muslim outreach group funded by the Muslim Brotherhood, implying that such groups are full of terrorists.

… Gee, James. Where would NPR get that idea?

The news can hit you like a heart attack

Get it right here, folks: the spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, a large obese man, has died. Truly it’s news of the obvious.

Except he died from pneumonia. Shocking revelations! Blair River, the 575-pound spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, an Arizona restaurant famous for menu items like “quadruple bypass burgers” and “flatliner lard fries,” died at the age of 29 following a bout of the flu.

River was well-known in the community, both for his winning personality and large size. He came down with the flu and succumbed to pneumonia after four days in the hospital. Jon Basso, owner of the restaurant and friend of River, said he thought River’s obesity contributed to his death. Basso is not a doctor, but he plays one at the restaurant. However, Keith Ayoob, director of the nutrition clinic at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, agreed that was likely:

“Obesity increases your risk for just about every condition, and it can make nearly every acute health problem worse.”

We’d wish a long life to the new spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill, but, well … you know.

North vs. North: Making whoopie

It’s been quite a while, but it looks like the states are going back to war with each other. This time, it’s not over some lofty idea, like that all men should be free, or that Georgia needs water. This time it’s important: It’s over the whoopie pie.

Maine and Pennsylvania–a rivalry as old as time itself–have been jockeying for credit for the invention of the whoopie pie, because they don’t have to worry about things like state budgets or creating jobs for their citizens. Maine says they’ve had it around since the 1920s, while some claim that the Pennsylvania Dutch invented it.

This can only come to bloodshed.