Day: March 16, 2011

Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.

Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.

Here’s the game plan …. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

Found: one underwater city, rusty armor and fish

For approximately the tenth time now in my life, it’s being purported that Atlantis, the lost city of fish people and magic dinosaurs, has been found.

Mind you, no one’s actually claiming that it’s officially been founded, but that’s not stopped science from theorizing the hell out of it. Speculation from the smart people is that a massive tsuper tsunami swamped the city in the mud flats of south Spain.

Deep-ground radar, digital mapping and underwater technology are all being used to comb over the site. This has resulted in a grand total of nothing except for above ground memorial cities and an extraordinarily awkwardly timed comment by head researcher Richard Freund:

“This is the power of tsunamis.”

Yowch. Clearly no one knew about that beforehand.

Berlusconi proves the rapiest wit

Silvio Berlusconi, the Guys’ favorite Italian prime minister, commented to newspaper La Repubblica that he is 74 years old and “even though I may be a bit of a rascal … 33 girls in two months seems to me too much even for a 30 year old ….”

“On top!” he added after a scripted dramatic pause.

Berlusconi then passed out Italian high-fives to all in attendance, which are like normal high-fives, but inside of an underage prostitute.

Some roommates are closer than others

There are certain times when lashing out at someone is totally called for. In Arizona, they don’t really see it that way and sentenced a 24-year-old man to three years of probation, and all he plead guilty to was aggravated assault.

This guy wanted to suck his roommates blood, as he had at least once before, but the roommate refused. Well, you don’t say no to Dracula. The man then stabbed his roommate in frustration.

In Arizona, aggravated assault gets you probation–that is of course unless you don’t speak English.