Day: March 18, 2011

You Missed It: Air ball edition

One of the worst days to be Irish has to be today. This is because it’s the day after St. Patrick’s Day, and after all sorts of buildup and pro-Irish stuff in mainstream media, people are tired of the Irish for a while. Plus, a fair amount of them are also hung over, which they blame on the Emerald Isle. Basically, no one likes the Irish today, it’s like being in England any day of the year, really. If you were busy reinforcing racial stereotypes at a bar this week, odds are you missed it.

Gingrich did not pick Kansas this year
March Craziness (TM) is back once again, the time when the other 75% of America pretends enough to care about college basketball. As in years before, President Barack Obama unveiled his bracket, and obvious “Baracketology” jokes were trotted out again. Former Speaker of the House and current Republican Who’s Too Afraid to Announce His Candidacy Newt Gingrich criticized the president for filling out a bracket when he should be focusing on the world’s problems. To be fair, Gingrich says the same thing when Obama goes to the bathroom.

Where’s Kevin Spacey been, you ask?
Netflix, the DVD-by-mail and online streaming service, is reportedly going to do its own show, called “House of Cards.” The series is alleged to star Kevin Spacey and be based off of a series of British political novels, that were adapted for a mini-series on the BBC. So get excited to delete that from your queue, America!

Wait long enough and scenes from every Jim Carrey movie will come true
Astrology nerds are getting excited for Saturday night, when the full moon will be at its closest point to the Earth in 18 years. It’s expected to look pretty cool and be a bit brighter than most full moons, as well as bring out really, really big werewolves.

’80s nostalgia hits DC fourth graders

Four students from Washington, D.C. Thomson Elementary School were hospitalized for consuming an unknown quantity of cocaine while at school.

Nobody knows how one of the students obtained the coke, although it could have been one of those fabled free samples from the neighborhood dealer that D.A.R.E. warned us about. However, the four are reportedly fine and–aside from some sore throats–exhibited no other symptoms.

Oh, and they also:

  • wrote a screenplay for an action movie,
  • recorded a guitar-solo-heavy rock concept album about robots from the future,
  • talked to three women apiece (“eights” and above) about world piece
  • and invented a new type of calendar that replaces the leap year with a quarter day in February because your brain doesn’t move fast enough to interpret time in waves and rays.

Basically, what we’re saying is that cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Real life, meet cartoon world logic

No one really likes to be who they are, especially when it concerns their job. As such, it’s completely and totally understandable to want to pretend to be someone else. We’ve all seen True Lies. It’s sexier and so much more exciting to be something you’re not!

Unless that position is a government position.

And said government position tends to fall under the “single occupant” rule.

And the position is already otherwise occupied in your general vicinity.

Huffing is over

You heard it here first, folks: It’s not cool to huff anymore.

There was a time, for decades, really, when huffing chemicals to get a buzz was a young person’s way to pass the time and kill brain cells. It was cool because the kids did it. Those days are over.

According to a new study, over a million adults in the U.S. are huffing. That means that huffing is like Facebook, once they decided anyone who didn’t have a college email address could join. Once the adults are doing it, it’s no longer cool, it’s too mainstream for the cool kids.

Look at it this way, youth of America, you still have marijuana.