Day: March 25, 2011

You Missed It: Nobody’s home edition

Wedding season is here once again. You know, that time when no one is really excited for the ceremony itself, but rather the food and open bar. I myself have several weddings to attend this year, after getting through last year with only one. At each of them, I plan on drinking an amount equal to the gift I give them. So they can either expect not a lot in a gift, or me hammered. If you were busy bombing Libya, odds are you missed it.

Alone in the tower
An air traffic controller was suspended after two planes had to land without getting clearance from the tower at Reagan National Airport, just outside of Washington, D.C. According to reports, the controller was sleeping, so he didn’t hear the planes calling for permission to land. In other news, don’t worry guys, I was out of town and never in any danger.

A solemn anniversary
It was 100 years ago today that the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in New York City claimed nearly 150 lives, most of them women. The incident led to a series of workplace and fire safety reforms, and also put some serious steam into the labor movement. So now, when labor unions’ rights are being challenged in Wisconsin and other states, go up to a union man and ask him, “What the hell is a shirtwaist?”

It also made shooting Star Trek: The Next Generation more fun
In a video shot in 1992, Whoopi Goldberg admitted that she was stoned when she won the Oscar for Best Actress in Ghost in 1990. She claimed she smoked beforehand because of nerves. That’s great, Whoopi, would you care to explain every other time you’ve spoken publicly?

Can you take the cure? All of it?

We’ve got good news and bad news for homophobes.

The Good News is that science may have discovered a cure that will make you less likely to act on your repressed homosexual urges not catch “the gay.”

The Bad News is that the cure is bananas. Lots and lots of dongtacular bananas. Orally or anally. You need the serotonin.

At least it’s not made in NEW YORK CITY!

The salsa served at some of the restaurants in Kansas apparently packed too much of a punch, not from spicy jalapeños, but because it was laced with pesticide. Yum! We can only assume that’s a family recipe.

A married couple who worked at two different branches of Mi Ranchito restaurant, near Kansas City, was arrested after poisoning the salsa there. The husband, who confessed he was trying to get revenge for losing his job (loss of job, potential fatality, that’s a very fair and equal trade-off, I’d say), faces a maximum penalty of 10 years in prison with a fine of up to $250,00. His wife, the one who actually slipped in the poison, has already been sentenced to 87 months in jail, with a penalty of $478,000 in restitution.

While it might be small comfort for the 36 patrons, suffering anything from cramps and nausea on up to symptoms so severe they had to be taken to hospital, at least they didn’t get the fish. When in doubt, always get the chicken instead of the fish.

Death in a shell

We often say that it’s safe to have pets. Sure, they’re harmless, tamed creatures that shed all over us, and they look really cute when we dress up in a sweater, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to kill us.

In New York City, a tortoise sat in its tank for who knows how long, just waiting for the right moment. Recently, that moment came. The tortoise somehow escaped its tank and knocked over a heat lamp, which was hot enough to spark up some nearby paint products. Before long, the entire apartment was on fire. Sure, the humans all got out alive, and the tortoise was saved, but the lesson here is that when it comes to pets, never turn your back.

One of them could be slowly crawling over to you while you sleep to eat your eyes.