Month: April 2011

You Missed It: White dress, red eyes edition

I’m not sure what it is about this time of year, or the area in which I live, but my allergies have gone nutso in the past week. Tree sperm is everywhere here in Washington, D.C., as it is throughout the U.S., and for some reason it tells my nose to explode and my eyes to make it me look like I am high. That’s fine, I can handle it like everyone else,  but I can’t take antihistamines during the day, or I’ll be staggering around my office like a hungry zombie, which is generally a bad thing. If you were busy leaving the show that made you a household name this week, odds are you missed it.

Only 50 more years until they are king and queen!
You may not have heard, but Prince William and Kate Middleton got married this morning, causing thousands of American women to miss out on sleep this morning. By all accounts, it was a wonderful ceremony that went off without a slip-up, plus the Brits even got the day off. However, the ceremony proved to show differences between American and English cultures, including that it’s fine there for the maid of honor to wear white, and apparently the Brits like to dress for weddings like it’s the Kentucky Derby.

Not like he has a driver’s license, either
President Barack Obama released his long-form birth certificate this week in an effort to silence the birther movement, which is currently led by entrepreneur and avid fut-hat wearer Donald Trump. The move, of course, silenced no one, and did not put the issue to rest for many birthers. However, it did make huge efforts in fixing the economy and winning the war on terrorism.

Where’s the Man of Steel’s birth certificate?
In issue number 900 of Action Comics released this month, Superman announces that he plans to give up his U.S. citizenship. He says he doesn’t want people to see his actions as U.S. policy, and renouncing citizenship is the only way to fix it. This makes sense, because, you know, he really is an alien.

Taco-gate Part 35: The Refusal to End

Just when you thought it might actually be over…

Taco Bell is really not letting this whole beef lawsuit controversy go.

Taco Bell demanded an apology. Now, as it awaits said apology, Taco Bell thinks it deserves even more, and is considering counter-suing. Taco Bell CEO Greg Creed says that the company started the year off very strong but the consequences of the beef lawsuit resulted in a slower quarter, and that Taco Bell is suffering from the bad publicity.

SG gets what they’re trying to do here, we really do, but frankly, it feels a little like beating a dead horse at this point. Speaking of dead horses, we’re not going to say you can find them in Taco Bell meat, but we might just heavily imply it.

Saddam’s legend lives on

Remember Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator who was executed in December 2006 for crimes against humanity, including using poisonous gas on Kurds? Man, that guy was such a nut!

Because of all the good times the Iraqi people had with their wacky, ruthless dictator for so many years, it’s tough for them to accept that Captain Mustache is really gone. Yesterday would have been his birthday, and people are using it to spread rumors that he’s still alive, out there somewhere, despite the fact that we have leaked videos of both his death and his body in the morgue. Recently, a recorded phone conversation with someone who claims to be Hussein himself surfaced on YouTube, giving Iraqi conspiracy theorists even more to chew on. So it looks like the rumors may never go away.

One has to wonder, is Saddam Hussein Elvis or Tupac?

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Best Worst Movie’

What’s the difference between a typical bad movie and a Best Worst Movie? That’s the question explored by Michael Stephenson’s highly entertaining new documentary, in which he examines the experience of being part of Troll 2—both during its shooting and in the wake of its years-later cult rediscovery. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Best Worst Movie’

Worst. Controversy. EVER.

Nathan’s annual hot dog eating contest is the undisputed brass ring for all competitive eaters, but lo and behold, controversy has arrived. Controversy! Major League Eating (yes, it’s a real thing), the people behind the July 4 contest, decided to split the event into men’s and women’s brackets; however, the grand prize purse for the women’s title was just one-fourth of what was offered to the men: $2,500 for the ladies, $10,000 for men. Controversy!

After an uproar regarding the prize disparity arose, Nathan’s changed their tune, and will now offer $10,000 to both the male and female winner of the contest. Not controversial at all!

First we give them the vote, then allow them to drive and now women get paid to win eating contests? Man, we men can’t get anything for ourselves anymore.

Rest easy, Arkansas

Good news, people of Arkansas (like you even have the necessary infrastructure for an Internet connection), you no longer have to worry about that huge escaped alligator anymore!

We told you last week that a gator broke out of the Governor Mike Huckabee Delta Rivers Nature Center, and was on the loose. (Mike Huckabee has not been disproven as an accomplice in the escape.) Workers found the gator a few feet from the fences, and brought him back inside.

So for our concerned readers in Arkansas, that’s now just 199,999 alligators you have to worry about.

What the Donald is going on here?

Donald Trump has finally achieved his goal: getting a look at President Barack Obama’s long -form birth certificate.

This should effectively end Trump’s rumored 2012 run for the presidency now that he finally has enough of Mr. Obama’s personal information to open a new, non-previously bankrupted line of credit.

Hippy logic to invade business sense

You don’t have to listen to too many Bon Jovi songs to know that the man sympathizes with those down on their luck. (Remember? Poor Tommy used to work on the docks, but union’s been on strike…).

Now the singer, already well-known for his philanthropic works through his non-profit Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation, plans to open a community restaurant in Red Bank, New Jersey. Soul Kitchen, which is slated to open this spring, isn’t just any restaurant, though. The eatery will serve low-cost or no-cost meals to diners and ask they volunteer at the restaurant in return.

While it’s a nice story, what’s up with Bon Jovi and other celebrities continuing to put New Jersey in such a good light? I mean, it’s New Jersey. Stop trying to help God’s Trash Pit.