You Missed It: Elephant in the room edition

This is easily the most annoying day to operate on the Internet. April Fools’ Day is bad not only for the news industry, but everyone thinks they can be hilariously original and switch their Facebook profiles to “engaged” or attempt to revive the rick roll. Google doesn’t really prank anyone, it just has some amusing features, like YouTube’s 1911 viral pictures. If you were busy having a musical episode of your doctor show, odds are you missed it.

Warrior of the Week
GoDaddy.com founder and CEO Bob Parsons posted a video that got big this week of himself shooting and killing an elephant in Zimbabwe. Parsons looks pretty pleased with himself, and then locals swoop in and carve up the dead beast.  Predictably, PETA has condemned the video, and called for a boycott of GoDaddy.com until Parsons “stops shooting animals.” Just for the record, this blog has never been prouder to be hosted by Parsons’ company.

Bring your green beverage
Remember Four Loko? If you do, odds are you didn’t drink enough of it. The caffeinated fruity alcoholic beverage is now getting some competition, after it was pulled from the market: Colt 45 is bringing us Blast, a fruity alcoholic beverage aimed at drinkers of Four Loko. Best of all, Snoop Dogg is going to be their frontman. So kids, watch out for a 40-something pot smoker telling frat boys what they should drink!

Snopening Day
The 2011 Major League Baseball season officially got underway yesterday with the always-popular opening day. The only problem is that games in the Northeast may end up being chillier than usual. For example, Massachusetts just got some more snow. I don’t have ESPN’s stat tracking crew behind me, but I’m pretty sure a game has never been called on account of snow.

No more pencils, no more tookuses

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Mike Beebe, Arkansas’ long statewide nightmare is finally over.

Baggy pants are officially banned from public schools by law, which defines them as clothing that exposes the wearer’s underwear or buttocks.

A few critics in the state legislature that voted against it argued that the bill stymies students’ individual expression. Also, in its mere two days of enactment, the bill has resulted in higher water bills as all plumbers are now banned from approaching within 50 yards of a school zone.

Fangs a lot, jerks

They’ve had enough and they won’t take it anymore!

Sadly, the “they” in question are our enemies. Bats have invaded a piece of history in Tifton, Georgia. And they are legion. It’s being reported that more than a thousand of the winged rodents have taken over a house in the historic district (I have a good feeling the address somehow has the word “peach” in it). Residents say that the smell is overwhelming, and thanks to the weight of the guano, floors are sagging. A diabolical biological attack, that’s for sure.

Didn’t Georgia burn once before, or something like that? I’m not endorsing arson, but a punishment of some sort might be in order for the South allowing this to happen.

Cobra captured, Bronx still not safe

New York can rest easy–well, relatively easy, they’re still a terrorist target and all that–they found the cobra missing from the Bronx Zoo.

The snake escaped earlier this week, and on one hand, freaked people in the Bronx more than usual, on the other hand, the wayward snake spawned a Twitter account that soared in popularity this week. But don’t worry, it’s sure to crash now, just like Charlie Sheen’s account did.

We don’t condone fandom of animals, because it make us all think they are less of a threat than they really are. Remember: If animals had hands, they totally would have strangled you by now.