Day: April 12, 2011

Eat My Sports: And we have sputter off

I love spring, it’s never too hot or too cold, basketball starts to actually mean something and it’s the beginning of baseball. The start of six and a half months of my favorite sport, and in recent years, the start to a Red Sox’ season was always promising. This year’s edition was supposed to be the one of the most dominant offensive and pitching powerhouses we’ve seen in quite some time, the reality … not so much.

This year’s edition has not just been getting beat, it’s been downright embarrassing in every fashion. The offense can’t hit and the starting pitching of Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, John Lackey, Dice-K and Tim Wakefield has been getting shelled.
Continue reading Eat My Sports: And we have sputter off

The South rises! The South rises!

Oh, god! They warned us! They warned us over and over again on countless bumper stickers and XXXL t-shirts, but we didn’t listen!

Ladies and gentlemen, the South has a-risen a-again. In the wee early morning hours today, they began an assault on Ft. Sumter, on the exact day that there happened to be federal troops inside instead of its usual park ranger contingent. There’s no doubt in our minds that this was deliberate.

And now that they’ve sprung up again, let’s take a longer pause than we did in 1861 and consider: should we fight to keep them this time?

Drunk babies are the only tolerable babies

Kids. It’s always “wah-wah-wah” and “poopy diaper” this. If that’s not enough, they throw spaghetti all around restaurants for no reason outside of they’re jerks. Could you all be more narcissistic?

Don’t worry, there’s hope. In fact, I think you all should be more like this kid. He was given margarita mix instead of apple juice, and what happened? Not a single bad thing.

“We took it from him and he kind of laid his head on the table,” said Taylor Dill-Reese. “He dozed off a little bit and woke up and got real happy.”

See, now there’s a kid who knows how to hold his booze. He was given it, and does he raise a ruckus? On the contrary, he’s quite benevolent to all the other dining patrons. And then he’s a joy! If you look up in some stuffy old dead guy’s dictionary for the definition of win-win, you’ll see a picture of this kid’s mug.

Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend

If you’re a bank, it’s bad to be in business on a Friday. According to government statistics, the majority of bank robberies in the U.S. happen on Fridays, which makes sense, because everyone has those big weekend plans they need to finance.

In all, bank robbers stole a little over $43 million last year, which doesn’t sound like all that much, when you think about the fact that there were over 5,500 robberies reported in 2010. Here’s a little suggestion in warding off would-be thieves: play this song all day and no one will come near you.