The McBournie Minute: The War on Easter

As you may have noticed, Christianity is under attack here in the U.S. I know this, because the people at Fox News tell me so. But even they don’t see it all. Sure, they talk about how the liberal left is a bunch of godless heathens, and that America would be so much better if we went back to how things used to be, back in to the time of our forefathers, when good men held Christian values and women were regarded as baby factories.

Folks, our Christian holidays are under attack. Everyone loves to talk about how Christmas is going corporate, but that’s just the trendy, headline-grabbing stuff. The real battle is over the highest of high holy holidays: Easter.

That’s right, I’m here to warn you about the War on Easter. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The War on Easter

Sacré poo!

Warrior Readers, The Guys have done you a disservice all these years. We’ve warned you about animals, aliens, robots and education, but we overlooked one of the gravest threats to humanity: the humanities. Namely: art.

We’re not sure how we missed it. Maybe it’s because those artist types are so non-threatening with their berets and soul patches. But, make no mistake: given the chance, an artist will submerge your family, friends and divine creator into his own urine.

Fortunately, the French have shown us how to fight back. They have seen Andres Serrano’s Piss Christ and–in response–gotten more done in mere days than what U.S. Republicans have attempted for the past 22 years.

A deal at twice the price

Gather round, people. It’s time for the latest Geographical One Bid! Now, up for grabs is the entire country of Liechtenstein (per night). Yes, say that out loud because it’s a funny word to say. What are the bids that see from all of you?

“8 million dollars.” “4 million dollars.” “999, 999 dollars.” “32 million dollars.” “One dollar.”

And the actual (and current) retail price for the entire country of Liechtenstein per night is … 65,258.17 dollars, which converts to 40,000 pounds. Our one dollar bidder, you win!

Unless you’re black/a rapper. Then, maaaaaybe not so much.

I’ve got a hairy caterpillar for you

It’s important to remember that as the northern part of the world heads into spring, those around the Equator are in a state of permanent warfare, because the animals never go dormant. Our friends in Asia are also fighting the good fight.

Unfortunately, a whole bunch of hairy caterpillars are attacking parts of Indonesia. We’re not just talking they’re a pain to run over in your car because they get in your tire treads, it’s more like they creep into your home and if they touch you, you itch for weeks. Plus, they are killing some of the crops.

Stay strong, allies. And let’s hope they turn into butterflies soon!