Day: April 22, 2011

You Missed It: Sky high edition

As a kid, I never really got why Good Friday was such a big deal. Sure, Jesus was crucified and all, but why celebrate somebody dying? It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that Jesus was Irish, and Good Friday celebrations are just a typical Irish wake, complete with celebrations and drinking (around my place, anyway).Now I just need to figure out why the stock markets are closed today. If you were busy getting ready for your big wedding this week, odds are you missed it.

Joining the 200-mile-high club
Admit it, you’ve thought about it. Right after the “How do they go to the bathroom in space?” question was answered, you were wondering whether astronauts get it on up there. NASA has denied it ever happening, and this week a Russian expert said cosmonauts never have, either. In related news, Pope Benedict XVI may call the International Space Station when Space Shuttle Endeavour is docked with it. He’s probably calling to remind the astronauts that masturbation is a sin.

The colors were just, like, beautiful, man
Hey everybody, remember that big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year (you may have heard about it)? Well, the explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig that caused it and killed 11 people, was a year ago this week, April 20, to be exact. The good news is that the hippies were too busy smoking weed to mark the solemn occasion.

It matters not if you are black or white
A California judge ruled that the jury in the wrongful death suit brought against Michael Jackson’s doctor can view two autopsy photos Jackson, one clothed, and one not. So get ready, women in 1986, those nude pictures you’ve been waiting for are nearly yours!

Pastor fires premature celebratory shots

Controversial Pastor Terry Jones, who torched a Koran in his church’s backyard to goad his Middle Eastern equivalents to riot in Afghanistan, has courageously traveled to Dearborn, Mich.

He heard there are a lot of Muslims he could protest there, but not the scary ones that kill antagonistic white Christian bigots.

In fact, Terry’s so mantastically badass that he accidentally fired a gun, which he believed he would still need for protection, in his car.

Don’t worry, though: our Christian warrior missed his what-must-be-tremendous balls.

Punishment Bell

Ever since the life-changing and reality-altering decision made by Beasley Allen to drop their lawsuit against Taco Bell, the entire world has gone topsy-turvy.

Taco Bell now demands satisfaction! The fast food chain would like an apology from the folks who brought (and then eventually withdrew) the lawsuit against them that claimed their meat mixture was less than 35 percent beef. “Would It Kill You to Say You’re Sorry?” asks the ad Taco Bell has now launched in newspapers across the country. The request is understandable enough, as damage control is expensive, and the fast-food giant has spent millions in an ad campaign bolstering up its image as a result of the lawsuit.

No word has been released regarding if Taco Bell has donned white gloves and walked to the Beasley Allen headquarters carrying a wooden box containing two single-shot pistols.

Because high school girls dig a dude with a green tongue

Surprise, surprise–haters are hatin’ on Blast, the new, fruity malt liquor drink brought to you by your friends at Colt 45.

The cans, each nearly 24 oz., are fizzy and brightly colored, which opponents say could encourage kids to drink it, even though it has 12% ABV. Blast is endorsed by Snoop Dogg, because when you think of alcohol with training wheels, you think of the man who wrote “Gin & Juice.”

A word to the folks at Colt 45, if you want to market toward kids, get someone the kids have heard of, like Justin Bieber, and name the drink something like “My First Blackout.”