What the Donald is going on here?

Donald Trump has finally achieved his goal: getting a look at President Barack Obama’s long -form birth certificate.

This should effectively end Trump’s rumored 2012 run for the presidency now that he finally has enough of Mr. Obama’s personal information to open a new, non-previously bankrupted line of credit.

Hippy logic to invade business sense

You don’t have to listen to too many Bon Jovi songs to know that the man sympathizes with those down on their luck. (Remember? Poor Tommy used to work on the docks, but union’s been on strike…).

Now the singer, already well-known for his philanthropic works through his non-profit Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation, plans to open a community restaurant in Red Bank, New Jersey. Soul Kitchen, which is slated to open this spring, isn’t just any restaurant, though. The eatery will serve low-cost or no-cost meals to diners and ask they volunteer at the restaurant in return.

While it’s a nice story, what’s up with Bon Jovi and other celebrities continuing to put New Jersey in such a good light? I mean, it’s New Jersey. Stop trying to help God’s Trash Pit.

The replacements

As we all know, Iago (Gilbert Gottfried) and his nasaly voice got canned from Aflac last month after Tweeting some choice remarks about the earthquake in Japan. So who did the insurance company get to replace him? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

Kidding, but for you Norm McDonald fans, that was gold. Actually the company went with none other than Daniel McKeague, a sales manager from Minnesota. We know, we were hoping for Charlie Sheen too, let’s just hope McKeague doesn’t have a Twitter account.

Drink a piece of history

Some time in the early 19th century a ship was sailing across the Baltic Sea, bringing its cargo of champagne to the thirsty citizens on the distant shore. Only something went wrong, and the ship sank, taking the beloved booze with it.

Today, you can own a bottle of the oldest champagne around. The shipwreck was found last fall and bottles of champagne (and beer) were found, and as we called it all those months ago, the hootch is now up for auction! We don’t know about the beer and the other bottles, but two bottles of champagne will be up for auction in June, so get your wallets ready, drunkards.