Month: May 2011

Eat My Sports: Basketball, relevant again

Well hello there, after being gone for nearly a month, it feels good to be back cramming my opinions on sports down your throats. For those of you wondering where I have been, and trust me, I know it has not been many, I was on vacation attacking rum inspired drinks for a week and a half only to come home and find out that my home had been attacked Noah’s Ark style by my upstairs toilet. So, I have been re-located for roughly four months. Now, who needs a drink? No? Ok, how about my 2011 NBA Finals prediction.

The talk all year long has been LeBron James this, Dwayne Wade that, Chris Bosh looks like the alien from “Predator” and let’s see how many ways we can make “take my talents to South Beach” a euphemism for something. Well, despite all the spite, the MoHeatos (tm, Bill Simmons) have been as good as advertised, ripping through the 76ers, Celtics and Bulls in convincing fashion. All the flack they got for not being able to close out physical opponents in close games has all but disappeared. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Basketball, relevant again

It’s like John Bobbitt but without the marriage stuff

Here at SG, we’re pretty manly, and we’re proud of that. We take pride in not bothering with asking for directions, our ability to char and singe the flesh of animals is second to none and we greatly enjoy being able to pee standing up (our efficiency in the bathroom with that of a woman is 500% better).

Now, we’re not big fans of the whole rape thing, so when a dude loses his urination efficiency because of an attempt, well, we’re inclined to go along with the woman. Nonetheless …

“It is quite an unusual incident. As far as I am aware, this is the first time that a woman has brought a severed penis to the police station as evidence.”

Maaaaaaybe the police in Bangladesh aren’t the brightest of people. Majorly shorn trouser snakes tend to be fairly distinctive, after all.

Warrior of the Week: Mark Zuckerberg

Like everyone else in the world, we’re a bit paranoid about what Facebook does with all of our information, but we just can’t help uploading our wild pictures from the party the other night. However, Mark Zuckerberg has gained a lot of street cred in our books, recently.

The founder of Facebook is now only eating what he kills. No, really, if he’s going to eat a salami sandwich, he hunts down a wild salami and kills it, before slaughtering it and serving it up. This also means he is personally executing all sorts of animals before he eats them, including a confirmed pig and goat.

You Missed It: Apocalypse now edition

I try to learn something new every week. Last week, I learned hoe to put the seat back down after I pee. This week, I learned about the IMF. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of IMF, was arrested and charged with week with sexual assault. The news itself is pretty shocking, but what surprised me the most was that Strauss-Kahn was the head of IMF. I always thought it was Jim Phelps. If you were busy faking a child botox story, odds are you missed it.

The end is near
You have probably heard by now that a group of crazy people Christians believes that the world is going to end tomorrow, beginning with the rapture, just like the Bible promises. Sure, the Bible also says mankind will not know the day the Big Guy decides to end it all, but that’s not stopping these folks. However, this could be why Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a child with a former house worker. The End of Days star is repenting.

Someone’s not planning on meeting God on Saturday
Stephen Hawking this week said that the idea of Heaven is nothing but a “fairy story,” which is just another quaint term the British have come up with. He said that computers don’t have a Heaven, and like those machines, when a person’s parts break down, it’s life ends and that’s it. Hawking forgot about the fact that machines are closer and closer to being self-aware, thus becoming able to repair themselves forever. How could such a brilliant man miss such a huge point? Perhaps the machines have already gotten to his speaking computer thing.

And if that wasn’t enough, zombies, too
In both the television show and graphic novel forms of The Walking Dead, the Centers for Disease Control plays a crucial role in figuring out a way to stop the zombie virus before the undead kill off all of humanity. This week, the CDC didn’t announce a cure, but they did acknowledge the existence of zombies, encouraging everyone to have an emergency kit in case the dead begin to rise. Food, water, tools and other supplies are listed, but the CDC fails to include baseball bats or shotguns. Thanks, CDC, my closet full of rolls of toilet paper will really come in handy when the zeds break down my door.

The Real Story: ‘Person-years’

Sometimes, everything you need to know in a story is right there in the first sentence. Sometimes, its buried further down. And, sometimes, its buried so deep that the story itself is about something else entirely. That’s where “The Real Story” comes in.

According to Time, the story is that China has started distributing free antiretroviral treatments to 63 percent of those in their population who are  infected with HIV. The other 37 percent? Not so much, because they got pre-AIDS from sex or drug use.

In order for this item to be news, this would mean believing that the Chinese government can do anything without at least one evil element.

No, the real story here is how the worldwide medical community rates the effectiveness of antiretroviral treatment: in “person-years,” or “an estimate of the number of years that would have been lost due to early death from AIDS.”

We’re sorry. Your dog may be 12 in “dog years,” but in “person-years?” Barkplug has AIDS.

Competition and juice

It would seem that Snoop Dogg is mulling about the idea of having his own American Idol competition for rap. Which is a nice idea. I mean, if there can be five million different (sort of) versions of American Idol floating out on television, not to mention a country music version, then why not one for the hippity and the hoppities?

Except that’s not really the big news that people should care about.

No, the big news may have simply been a throwaway idea. Snoop would also like to open up a supermarket chain and call them “Snoopermarkets.” I don’t know about you, but I would drop everything to shop at the Snoopermarket. I mean, it’s not like rap icons getting involved with food stuffs have ever had any less than profitable runs, right? Oh.

Take me to your brewer

The Space Shuttle program is coming to a close. While a lot of you out there might not care, you should, and here’s why: Not going into space means you can’t enjoy space beer.

We told you about how Sapporo Breweries grew barley from grains taken into space, but now, 4 Pines Brewing, of Australia, has come up with a beer designed for enjoyment by space tourists. They are saying with a straight face that even though zero gravity makes your tongue swell up a bit, affecting your sense of taste, the flavor of the beer will make its way through.

They say the altitude makes you get drunk faster on a plane, so maybe a single beer in space is enough to get smashed.

Editor’s note: Ever feel like all of our “That Whacky Australia” stuff is de facto “Booze News?”

We clipped this story off for you

The November ballot this year in San Francisco could be the most important one in years. And, it’s all thanks to the efforts of Lloyd Schofield, a former hotelier, who collected enough signatures to put a ban on circumcisions in the hands of voters.

Of course, the proposed measure has its detractors, including the American Jewish Committee and the Muslim American Society Freedom Foundation. They’ve already gotten their heads together to forge a campaign against the bill. Could it be that all it took for there to be peace in the Middle East is a combined interest in cleaner peeners?

The greater question, however, remains: of all the things one can conceivably do to and with penises in San Francisco, this is what merits a potential ban?

Shortest lawsuit ever?

It partially sounds like something from a children’s story. Nonetheless, it might explain just how magical their coffee can seem at times (though, since those times tend to be 6 and 7 in the morning, anything with caffeine would be magical). Well, for as long as the magic can last, that is.

Stay with me now: The United States of America is suing Starbucks for firing a dwarf.

You did not read an untrue word in that sentence.

Starbucks allegedly fired a dwarf person (she was downsized?) the same day that she requested a stool, stating that “she could be a danger to customers and workers.” It’s a horrible reason to use as grounds for termination, mainly because she wouldn’t be a danger, but probably more an amusement to the customers. Except on March 17. Just, FYI kiddo.