Day: May 11, 2011

Take it from Snee: ‘Star Trek’ won

I’ve had a lot of fun with Star Wars in this column. So much so, in fact, that I may surprise you that I am also a Star Trek fan.

The Star Trek universe is harder to write about because it is so f%@king vast. Even with the “expanded universe” of books, Star Wars roughly covers the same four characters every goddamn installment. Meanwhile, there have been four crews of the USS Enterprise alone, a whole other ship, a space station and the new alien race they meet every episode.

While both share roughly the same fans, those fans usually prefer one over another and will fight to the asthma attack over it. It is my duty to settle this contest, and I’ll just say it now: Star Trek won. I base my–what will obviously be considered–controversial decision on the following criteria: Continue reading Take it from Snee: ‘Star Trek’ won

Hey! That baby’s recyclable!

Dawa Lama of Queens, N.Y., was arrested for allegedly dumping her baby in a trash can in the hospital bathroom where she gave birth to it.

The baby was found by the next person to use the bathroom, who still maintains that–although disturbing–the baby, amniotic fluid and uterus parts still beat what’s normally left on and around the seat.

According to police, Lama has been charged with assault, reckless endangerment and violating Elmhurst Hospital’s return policy on newborns.

Almost double downing down under

New Zealand, also known as Australia’s little brother, will soon be able to partake in the self-destructive joy that is the KFC Double Down. As the people of the country are known for being a sturdier and hardier group of individuals, this should potentially be cause for celebration. Except, not everyone in New Zealand is keen on the sandwich-zilla making its way into their neck of the woods.

TV cook Annabelle White calls the bunless sandwich a “crime against food” and says there is “absolutely nothing redeeming about this product.”

Normally, I’d call somebody out on using hyperbole, but, in White’s defense, it is a fairly horrific sandwich in appearance. In the article’s picture, the chicken breasts look like a combination of chicken and a hash brown/round, the sauce looks like it might drip all over whatever you’re wearing and the bacon slices mock you. They mock you and your beating (but not for long) heart.

Finally, a way to insult the animals’ mothers

Dolphins are stupid, just like any other animal. That is why if the numbers were even we could take them all on and defeat them once and for all. However, among stupid animals, dolphins are some of the most intelligent. This is a lot like saying you were the valedictorian in your home-school class.

Scientists, in what is likely an attempt to turn them into informers, are developing an underwater translator to communicate with dolphins. Testing begins this summer on a new system collecting dolphins sounds and cataloging them. From there, they will try to learn the language of the dolphins and set up some sort of a system to create phrases in their language, as well as translate their responses.

Next, we’ll teach them to tweet.