Day: May 13, 2011

You Missed It: Understudy edition

Oh, hi there. Sorry, I’ve just been so busy this week. As it turns out, setting up your own exploratory committee is more complicated than it seems. Well, after hours of deliberation, I am here to announce that I, Bryan McBournie, am taking the advice of that exploratory committee, and will form a second exploratory committee to determine if I should run for office! Wooooo! If you were busy patting down an infant for explosives, odds are you missed it.

The math still works out
Remember Two and a Half Men? It was that CBS show that was apparently the most popular thing in the country, yet no one really cared when the show’s future seemed very much in doubt. Good news, legions of Menonites, (There, I just gave you a cool fan name, like “Gleeks.”) your beloved show is coming back after all. And best of all, it’s coming back with Ashton Kutcher! What’s that, you’re not excited? Would it help if I told you that Hugh Grant was their first pick? He was.

When the levee breaks
A really wet spring has led to the Mississippi River ready to flood in Louisiana and Mississippi, as flooding is happening elsewhere in the region. The rising waters are threatening to wipe out farm land at a time when food prices are already on the rise. The farmers affected are those in the floodplain. Folks, I’m sympathetic to the loss of homes and livelihoods, but if you farm in something called the “spillway,” shouldn’t that tell you to invest in sand bags?

And now a special announcement
In case you had not heard, May is National Skin Cancer Awareness Month. This is not to be confused with October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, November, Lung Cancer Awareness Month, or any of the others. I get it that cancer is serious, and bringing the nation’s attention to it is a good thing, but if we’re constantly being aware of it, doesn’t that take away from highlighting a month? Can’t we just focus on all kinds of cancer in one month and then go back to smoking and sunbathing again?

Beginning to think this Bin Laden wasn’t a very good guy

It took ten years, but we were finally able to prove that Osama Bin Laden, religious zealot, was a total hypocrite.

The killer of thousands in the name of a religion that preaches peace was caught with pornography. Lots and lots of pornography. Scads of it.

If you sat in a room filled with it, you would be at least ankle-deep in smut, like if the room were bigger than a closet. Otherwise, maybe knee deep in a non-walk-in closet.

To put it simply, investigators found loads of porno in his bungalo. Porngalo? (“Porngalo” will work.)

So, rest assured, everybody: we finally found the evidence that will send Bin Laden to Hell.

STFU, cat

When it comes to world records, we all turn to the family that gave us Guinness Black Protestant Porter, the beer. Yes, the world record book that started over a bet and a few pints.

But typically, we look at the human side of things. Not so for all apparently, because Smokey, a cat, just took first place in the world’s loudest purr. Spinsters and lonely 30-something women alike, your pets come up short, Smokey registered 67.7 decibels, which we are forced to assume is rather loud.

Guinness is on to something here. We need to humiliate our pets to set an example for all of the wild animals out there. The statement: This is what will happen when we capture you. Play him off, keyboard cat.