Day: May 18, 2011

Take it from Snee: The Top 10 Animals OF ALL TIME

I know what you’re thinking: “But, Rick, we’re at war with animals.” Also: “I’m a big fat jerkface who eats turds for breakfast, leftover turds for lunch and spaghetti for dinner because one can’t live on turds alone.”

(That’s right: I hear everything.)

Respect for our adversaries is healthy. It’s how we learn their weakspots and, in the process, learn to protect some of our own. Besides, should aliens invade, a temporary truce may be called and we’ll need to know how to best order animals in combat. (With a side of fries! I kid. Fries are terrible for warriors.)

So, here’s my—the only authoritative—list of the top 10 animals OF ALL TIME. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Top 10 Animals OF ALL TIME

Today’s Forecast: Cloudy, with a chance of flaming eyeball

To test their new emergency broadcast system without alerting citizens, Hungary’s disaster agency will broadcast warnings today of adverse weather in Middle Earth locations. State radio and television stations will report “floods and catastrophic weather in Gondor, Rohan, Rivendell, Helm’s Deep and other locations inhabited by Hobbits, Orcs, Elves, Ents and Dwarves.”

Unfortunately, it still backfired: New Zealand has already reported receiving aid kits from saddened Hungarians.

(Via Alexis)

Make your bacon jokes now

There are a lot of questions on this one, but the good news is that the pig is no longer at large.

A Washington State Trooper saw a 500-lb. pig escape from a minivan through a broken window. The pig proceeded to run down the sidewalk. Well, you just can’t let something like this happen, so the trooper tried a stun gun to slow it down, even corralling the beast with his vehicle, but nothing worked.

That’s when the cop shot the pig. And we are left to assume that ham was had by all that evening.

Who allows their pigs to grow to weigh 500 lbs? Who transports their morbidly-obese oinkers in a minivan? And how does such a pig get enough of a jump to clear a broken window in said minivan? How was the window even broken?

Whatever, one less menace on the streets.

Eating a salad through your nose

We’ve all heard the stories about how in this economy, bartering for goods and services is on the rise, but remember, try not to use this on police officers.

Police say a 33-year-old woman in Utah approached an undercover officer wanting to buy some cocaine. However, she did not have a whole lot of cash on her, so she offered $2 and a salad from Olive Garden in a to-go box. (It should be noted that in Utah, to-go Olive Garden salads are traded on the stock market.)

Apparently, those hardasses in Utah feel that soliciting a police officer for illegal drugs is some sort of crime, and the woman was arrested. No word on who ended up eating the salad.