Day: May 20, 2011

You Missed It: Apocalypse now edition

I try to learn something new every week. Last week, I learned hoe to put the seat back down after I pee. This week, I learned about the IMF. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of IMF, was arrested and charged with week with sexual assault. The news itself is pretty shocking, but what surprised me the most was that Strauss-Kahn was the head of IMF. I always thought it was Jim Phelps. If you were busy faking a child botox story, odds are you missed it.

The end is near
You have probably heard by now that a group of crazy people Christians believes that the world is going to end tomorrow, beginning with the rapture, just like the Bible promises. Sure, the Bible also says mankind will not know the day the Big Guy decides to end it all, but that’s not stopping these folks. However, this could be why Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a child with a former house worker. The End of Days star is repenting.

Someone’s not planning on meeting God on Saturday
Stephen Hawking this week said that the idea of Heaven is nothing but a “fairy story,” which is just another quaint term the British have come up with. He said that computers don’t have a Heaven, and like those machines, when a person’s parts break down, it’s life ends and that’s it. Hawking forgot about the fact that machines are closer and closer to being self-aware, thus becoming able to repair themselves forever. How could such a brilliant man miss such a huge point? Perhaps the machines have already gotten to his speaking computer thing.

And if that wasn’t enough, zombies, too
In both the television show and graphic novel forms of The Walking Dead, the Centers for Disease Control plays a crucial role in figuring out a way to stop the zombie virus before the undead kill off all of humanity. This week, the CDC didn’t announce a cure, but they did acknowledge the existence of zombies, encouraging everyone to have an emergency kit in case the dead begin to rise. Food, water, tools and other supplies are listed, but the CDC fails to include baseball bats or shotguns. Thanks, CDC, my closet full of rolls of toilet paper will really come in handy when the zeds break down my door.

The Real Story: ‘Person-years’

Sometimes, everything you need to know in a story is right there in the first sentence. Sometimes, its buried further down. And, sometimes, its buried so deep that the story itself is about something else entirely. That’s where “The Real Story” comes in.

According to Time, the story is that China has started distributing free antiretroviral treatments to 63 percent of those in their population who are  infected with HIV. The other 37 percent? Not so much, because they got pre-AIDS from sex or drug use.

In order for this item to be news, this would mean believing that the Chinese government can do anything without at least one evil element.

No, the real story here is how the worldwide medical community rates the effectiveness of antiretroviral treatment: in “person-years,” or “an estimate of the number of years that would have been lost due to early death from AIDS.”

We’re sorry. Your dog may be 12 in “dog years,” but in “person-years?” Barkplug has AIDS.

Competition and juice

It would seem that Snoop Dogg is mulling about the idea of having his own American Idol competition for rap. Which is a nice idea. I mean, if there can be five million different (sort of) versions of American Idol floating out on television, not to mention a country music version, then why not one for the hippity and the hoppities?

Except that’s not really the big news that people should care about.

No, the big news may have simply been a throwaway idea. Snoop would also like to open up a supermarket chain and call them “Snoopermarkets.” I don’t know about you, but I would drop everything to shop at the Snoopermarket. I mean, it’s not like rap icons getting involved with food stuffs have ever had any less than profitable runs, right? Oh.

Take me to your brewer

The Space Shuttle program is coming to a close. While a lot of you out there might not care, you should, and here’s why: Not going into space means you can’t enjoy space beer.

We told you about how Sapporo Breweries grew barley from grains taken into space, but now, 4 Pines Brewing, of Australia, has come up with a beer designed for enjoyment by space tourists. They are saying with a straight face that even though zero gravity makes your tongue swell up a bit, affecting your sense of taste, the flavor of the beer will make its way through.

They say the altitude makes you get drunk faster on a plane, so maybe a single beer in space is enough to get smashed.

Editor’s note: Ever feel like all of our “That Whacky Australia” stuff is de facto “Booze News?”