Month: June 2011

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’

This is it, the big summer blockbuster for 2011: Transformers: Dark of the Moon. We’ve seen how I felt about Transformers and how I felt about Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (here’s a hint for the latter: my opinion has not changed for the better since first seeing it). So, is this one any good? Did it out-Bay Michael Bay himself? DOES SHIA LEBOUF GROW FACIAL HAIR?

Well, I’d tell you, but you’ll have click the jump to find out. What can I say, I like a good cliffhanger. Oh, there might be some spoilers here and there, but I’ll try to keep them minimal. Just a warning if I slip up. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’

‘Abortion Showdown’ this Friday!

Friday! FRIDAY! FRIDAY!

The federal court in Kansas City presents Abortion Showdown! Two clinics, one state, new regulations! For the first time in an American court, two abortion clinics will combine forces in a handicap match against one state: Missouri.

This match will determine the viability of recently passed abortion licensing regulations by the Rules and Regulations Board. Will the state’s political vengeance stand, or will the latest measures be … aborted?!

You do not want to miss this event! BE THERE!

Wretched reptiles!

Lately, when we think of threats to our nation’s airports, we think of geese and other birds. After all, geese are what cause the Miracle on the Hudson plane to come down. But animals are no longer just attacking planes in the air, they have taken their battle to the runways, too.

Turtles, terrapins to be exact, attacked John F. Kennedy Airport, named after famed New York Mayor Fiorello La Guardia, by scrambling around on the end of the runway. The turtles held up take-offs for well over several minutes before they were shooed away.

Nice try, turtles. Come back when you’re ninjas.

Take it from Snee: An open letter to Fox News

Hey, Fox News. You can deny reading this on as many segments as you want, but we both know that isn’t true. For the highest rated cable news network–thanks to Osama Bin Laden–it’s pretty obvious that you’ve got some self-esteem issues.

For the past two weeks, we’ve watched you take a more active role in what had previously been Jon Stewart’s nipping at your heels. In terms of rivalries, The Daily Show is to Fox News what the Baltimore Orioles are to the New York Yankees. They’re only in the same division based on a technicality, and hate them as much as you want, but the Yankees aren’t going to lose this fight, much less their house.

Yet, here we are, and you’re not looking good. You never really look “good,” but you used to fight presidents and ACORNs, not comedians whose biggest critics are themselves. It’s time to figure out what you’re doing here, Fox News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: An open letter to Fox News

We love it when a plan almost comes together

Betrayal. Insurrection. Double-crossing. Perfidy. Treason.

In our War on Animals, we need every victory that we can get. Let’s face it people, they outnumber us. But what we have is unity. What they have?

In-fighting.

People, if they can’t hold it together, then we have all the chances in the world. Mind you, it would’ve been better if we could get the dog and reptile to slay each other in ignoble violence, but wounding will work. Plus, need I point out the seeds of discontent that have been planted?

A lactacerbating situation

A woman charged with domestic violence and assault reportedly resisted arrest by spraying arresting police officers with breast milk. To specify: she hadn’t previously pumped it out, but whipped out an actual tittie (the right one, according to the Sheriff) and forcibly lactated on multiple deputies.

The plan backfired when the human breast milk–which is the best for growing police officers–gave the deputies stronger bones and muscles and delayed the onset of their osteoporosis, enabling them to remove her from her car.

Something else for women to be self-conscious about

Ladies, if you’re not satisfied in bed, it may not be the fault of your man (at least that’s what we’re hoping), it might actually be related to part of your body, and not the one you’re thinking of.

Scientists, despite never having seen one in real life, are researching the mysteries of the female orgasm. According to a new study out of Scotland, women seem to be more likely to finish if they have the right set of lips–on their mouths. Apparently, the bigger the size of that little dent on your upper lip, the easier it is for you to get off.

In future news, a study has found that the size of a woman’s lips may also get him going, too.

Eat My Sports: Grantland

As many of you may already have gathered, I am a huge fan of Bill Simmons. I can’t quite put my finger on it as to why, it probably lies somewhere in between our deeply rooted love for the Red Sox and his complete ability to transition from Rajon Rondo to Lindsay Lohan’s breasts in a 1,000 word rant and make it seamless. Regardless, I admire the guy, and have done my best to immulate without hacking the man who has made a life out of being a sports’ fan who won’t shut the hell up.

recently Bill decided to take his talents away from ESPN. Simmons’ brainchild is Grantland, a website theoretically based around sports but with enough wiggle room to touch on Sookie Stackhouse and drop more tha a few f-bombs without it seeming too offbase. Which is why as a sports fan myself, it fails. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Grantland