You Missed It: Summer sausage edition

It’s always seemed to me like the official beginning of summer is a bit off from reality. The summer solstice is June 21, still weeks away, so it’s still technically spring. Meanwhile everyone’s brought out the summer wardrobes and going on summer vacations and such. The beginning of fall still feels like summer, winter seems to arrive for everyone weeks earlier than Christmas and spring, well, who the hell knows. I think we need to readjust the season calendar. If you were busy getting your face recognized on Facebook this week, odds are you missed it.

Get ready for Weiner jokes
By now, you’ve all heard about Rep. Eric Weiner getting caught with his pants down on Twitter. After admitting this week that he did in fact send the lewd tweet, Weiner cried. Really? You send a crotch shot and you start crying because of how it hurt your family? Weiner called former President Bill Clinton for advice. If you’re embroiled in a sex scandal, Clinton is probably not your source for reasonable advice.

Campaign funding by the Sheinhardt Wig Company
Alec Baldwin is a noted actor and Sean Connery impersonator (“Most things in here don’t react well to bulletsh.”), but once he leaves NBC’s 30 Rock, he may be shooting for City Hall. Baldwin said he’s considering running for mayor of New York, but won’t say anything for certain, given that election day is still more than two years away. Greatest. Plot twist. Ever.

The crystal ball is a bit foggy
It was the largest police investigation ever seen in Liberty County, Texas. Authorities descended on a rural home after a psychic tipped them off about a mass grave with dozens of bodies, some of which were children. The only problem was, there was nothing there, and there was no evidence that anyone had ever been killed there. On top of that, the owners were out of town. If you’re away from home, the last thing you want is a call about something happening to your house, but tons of cops going through your home and property? That has to be worse.

Television: That shaper of taste, opinion

And speaking of abortion–a topic that everyone enjoys–it appears that millennials are surprisingly unable to reach a consensus on it. (Pick a side, unemployables! We’re at culture war!)

However, it appears more and more of the Y-generation are being swayed towards pro-choice opinions by the television shows Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. Which makes sense because abortion could have prevented the amount of media resources dedicated to Teen Mom star, Amber Portwood.

It’s only a matter of time before older generations are swayed with MTV-inspired pro-choice arguments like how we could have had far fewer Kardashians to keep track of, and the entire Jersey Shore cast could have ended up as merely medical waste on said Jersey shoreline.

Cue Sandra Bullock/Dennis Quaid Movie

Abortions are a squeamish topic, and it’s always rough on both parties involved when one happens. Emotions run high. Things are done and said that probably aren’t meant to normally happen.

Like buying a billboard proclaiming how your girlfriend has killed your child because she may have had an abortion and then reluctantly changing the name of your self-founded organization because it spells out said girlfriend’s name. Coincidentally enough. In his defense, with the way Greg Fultz looks, he might not have had many chances to procreate as it is.

We’re just going to assume that the two are not together at the moment.

The truth is around here somewhere

Australia seems to have lost its files detailing many of its UFO encounters, the country’s Department of Defence said recently. A newspaper Freedom of Information request force the government to look for the files, but they have gone missing.

Where could they have gone? Here are a few our our theories:

  • The Australian government is hiding the truth, because those files will blow your mind, man.
  • The person who was in charge of finding the files was actually an alien, because they have infiltrated our highest halls of power.
  • The X-Files division got smashed one night and needed something to make torches out of when the power went out.