Day: June 13, 2011

The McBournie Minute: Animals take no vacation

This past week I took a trip to South Carolina to visit family and get a chance to relax. For those of you who aren’t familiar, South Carolina is the one where they have their teeth, but their governor went hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Sure, there are all sorts of jokes I could make about the state itself, or the people. But we all know that it’s in the South, and thus still believes the Civil War is going on.

What’s a bit unexpected about South Carolina is the danger that comes from being around the animals that live there. Everything from owls that can swoop down and carry away your pet at night to the the deer that wantonly eat your garden. Danger is everywhere.

And yet, I survived my trip there. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Animals take no vacation

A positively awful plan

An elderly woman is “an undisclosed amount of cash” richer and possibly on a shopping spree of undisclosed size in Colorado!

She robbed a Wells Fargo bank by handing the teller a note that said she would give her AIDS unless she forked over anywhere from 1 to infinity dollars. She sold the act by coughing frequently and wearing a train conductor’s cap, indicating she may have made love to a filthy train hobo.

The joke’s on that teller, though: everyone knows that people with AIDS don’t live to be elderly!

That doggo ate-cho llama baby

People, pay attention to the link. If there’s another story headline that should shock you into utter panic and worry, then I don’t know what it could be.

HUNGRY. DOGS. ARE. ON. THE. LOOSE.

Watch out Washingtonians (the state citizens, not the masochists of Barry)! It always starts out with a gigantic llama (when you’re short, all animals look gigantic, even the microscopic ones), then a massive killing spree that knows no boundaries, but eventually it turns horrifying.

To help emphasize the danger of the situation, a local constabulary spoke to the media.

Undersheriff Lavonne Webb told the AP the pack is ” killing for the sake of killing.”

There are some that might be a bit skeptical about such a claim. They fall in one of two categories:

1. Those that will be killed sooner rather than later.
2. Species traitors, through and through.

Crows, and lots of them

The police may not have many friends in certain circles, but in Everett, Washington, it’s even worse.

There, the local cops have to deal with all the troubles that are sure to arise in a quiet Pacific Northwestern town, like cats in trees, coffee burns and directing traffic when it gets foggy, but on top of that, they have the animals to deal with. A group of crows is continually attacking police officers as they walk from their cruisers to the officers, swooping down on them, with no respect for the badge.

One officer tried to scare off the birds with his siren, only to have the crows crap all over his cruiser. Hey guys, you do have your service pistols on you, right?